May 21, 2012 ( - A Florida Planned Parenthood affiliate has taken the opportunity of “National Masturbation Month” to highlight the national organization’s promotion of masturbation as part of a “a common and safe kind of sex play” with “many health benefits.” On Friday, Planned Parenthood of Southwest and Central Florida tweeted, “Happy Masturbation Month! We’ve got lots of info on masturbation here,” providing a link to Planned Parenthood Federation of America’s page on masturbation. There, Planned Parenthood states that “there are many harmful myths about masturbation that may cause us to feel uncomfortable about it. These myths can cause guilt, shame, and fear. Let’s get the facts straight. Masturbation is a natural and common activity for both women and men.” Jim Sedlak of Stop Planned Parenthood (STOPP), a project of the American Life League, said that endorsing the “gateway drug” of masturbation was of a piece with Planned Parenthood’s ideology on sex education. “Planned Parenthood is an organization that makes its money from people involved in sex,” Sedlak told in an email. “Although Planned Parenthood pushes masturbation for all, it particularly targets young people with the message. It is a way to get these young kids involved in a sexual lifestyle.” Sedlak said that youths buy the idea of masturbation as “risk-free” sex but end up “hooked on sexual stimulation as a way to escape their problems.” “Kids begin to want additional sexual experiences, and Planned Parenthood is there to sell them products and to make millions from them,” said Sedlak.

You know when people are talking about Black History Month and someone says “When’s White History Month?” and the obvious joke is “Every other month is White History Month!” Well that shit has never been more applicable here. Every goddam month is National Masturbation Month. Seasons come and go. Weather changes. Leaves change colors. Caterpillars turn into butterflies. But I am steady jerking off every day of the year.

But now that I know this is the official National Masturbation Month, it would just be unpatriotic of me if I didn’t celebrate properly. I can just see big old posters hung up all over the place with Uncle Sam pointing at me like “I WANT YOU….to beat your dick!” Rosie The Riveter flexing her arm muscles because she’s been busy blasting herself all month.  This is America, folks! We’re the best goddam masturbaters in the world.

Although I gotta agree with that dude Jim Sedlack. Masturbation is definitely a gateway drug to weird sexual behavior. Once you start jerking it you begin down a long, dark, tumultuous path of self pleasure. You wanna put your dick inside any and everything that could possibly make you climax. You start jerking off when you’re six and by 10 years old you’re gonna be raw dogging chicks because your hand just doesn’t cut it anymore.