Huff Po - A man caught masturbating behind a convenience store told an officer that his penis was only out because his pants had shrunk, police say. Officials in Penn Township, Penn. say the officer stumbled uponĀ Scott E. Smith scrubbing the nub behind a Uni-Mart on the evening of Jan. 29, according to a police report obtained by Penn Live. When he spotted the officer, the 25-year-old whipped out his phone and claimed he was just trying to call his girlfriend, according to the report. The officer asked him why his penis was out in the open, and says Smith told him his pants had shrunk. Smith later allegedly admitted to masturbating outside the store, saying he did it because he was depressed. The man also allegedly confessed to flashing a woman and her young daughter in mid-December. He has been charged with three counts of indecent exposure and is scheduled for a preliminary hearing March 1.

You know what probably happened? Scott E. Smith probably washed his jeans. And thats what he was calling his girlfriend about. She was nagging him that he never washes his jeans and that they’re so gross and blah blah fucking blah. So he did his semi-annual jean washing just to shut her up. Next thing you know those things come out of the dryer like fucking cardboard. 2 sizes smaller than they were like a reverse Grinch effect. If you’re lucky enough to pull them on and somehow button them up, you still can’t even bend your knees. Just waddle around like Forrest Gump in his leg braces. And thats just the beginning. You know what the worst part about wearing your jeans after you wash them?

You can’t even fit your fucking dick inside them. Just gotta unzip your wooden britches and set your cock free. Sorry officer, I wasn’t masturbating, I just needed release my dick from the clutches of washed dungarees.