“Do you have a giant penis and the sexual stamina of Peter North? No, but I did stay in a Holiday Inn Express last nite”

NEW YORK, Nov. 9 (UPI) A Swedish porn kingpin said in New York his latest idea involves free hotel rooms for people who allow their sexual exploits to be broadcast on the Internet. Berth Milton Jr., the head of porn company Private Media, estimated a single hotel could make $43.8 million in online subscription fees in a single year and he hopes to open up to 100 five-star hotels with the business plan, the New York Post reported Tuesday. Milton, who is due in New York State Supreme Court Nov. 18 to determine whether a creditor has a right to shares in the company, said he has performed research at swingers clubs in Barcelona, where he currently lives. “It has to be a hotel for non-swingers as well — not super-explicit where everybody’s running around naked,” Milton said. “That takes the style and class out of it.”

So let me get this right  – I get to F and I get a free hotel room? Sign me the fuck up! You know how much a hotel room in New York City costs? Like half a million dollars. And I don’t care who you are or how old you are, staying in a hotel room is so much fucking fun. You walk in there and start jumping on the beds and checking what kind of channels you get. Put on a free robe for no reason and start looking in the mini bar even though you’re probably too cheap to open anything up. Open up the bed side drawer and check for the Holy Bible even though there’s no chance you’re gonna read it. Eat room service and spill eggs and shit all over your bed and it doesn’t even matter. Shower with some mini soaps and shampoos and hit the free pool. And go to bed thinking about a free Continental Breakfast even though there is a 100% chance you’re sleeping through it. You’re fuckin sick in the head if you don’t like all those things.

Now add in the fact that I get to be a freaking porn star and I’m pretty sure that has the potential to be a dream come true. No jokes. I think when I was 14 years old my mom was like “make a wish and blow out the candles!” and I straight up wished for a free porn hotel. Took a few years but this Swedish Porn Kingpin came through for your boy! He’s like my fairy godmother except he’s down with voyeurism.

Only thing missing is a chick who will have sex with me. Damn it.