WithLeather:

August 14, 2012

Dear Mr. Johnson,

I hope this letter finds you well. First off, we would like to applaud you on the name change – although it’s not the one we initially had in mind as you might well remember.

Allow me to get down to the real reason I am reaching out to you on behalf of our company, Pornhub.com (the premier destination for online adult entertainment). Your recent misfortunes have caught our eye, and while we regret to learn about the hard luck that’s come your way, we would once again like to lend you a helping hand in your time of need.

In short, we are extending an offer to you and your beautiful wife Evelyn to create a “makeup” sex video exclusively for use on our site. As proof of your participation in the video, we would simply need you to film an introductory scene in which you and your wife state your names and intents for the camera. Once again, we believe that this partnership would truly be beneficial for both parties.

In return for your willingness to cooperate, we will gladly compensate you to the tune of $100,000.

Again, we truly appreciate your consideration of our offer and look forward to the possibility of working together soon.

All the best,

Corey Price

Hey Chad bro! Not a bad consolation prize. Sure, your NFL career is over. Your network television career is over. But all in all, at the end of the day, you’re still in a position where someone is willing to pay you $100,000 to fuck. That ain’t such a bad deal, you know? There are kids in Africa who don’t even know what Porn Hub is and you’re being offered a chance to be on camera talent for them. I’d say less than 1% of the world is in a position to fuck one time and get six figures for it. So in that sense, you’re still a 1%’er dude.

Plus what better way to show that you and your punching bag have worked out your differences huh? Do a standing 69 for the world and maybe you’ll convince all those TV execs that you two have put this unfortunate incident behind you. Nothing says “I’m sorry America” like a POV cumshot.