SIOUX FALLS, S.D. A South Dakota prison inmate is suing the hospital where he was circumcised as a newborn, saying he only recently became aware that he’d undergone the procedure and that it robbed him of his sexual prowess. Dean Cochrun, 28, is asking for $1,000 in compensatory and punitive damages. He also asks in the lawsuit that his foreskin be restored “in the hopes I could feel whole again,” though he acknowledged that he didn’t expect such a restoration to be anything more than aesthetic. Cochrun, who is imprisoned in Sioux Falls on a kidnapping conviction, filed the federal lawsuit Friday against Sanford Hospital. Cochrun claims that an “unknown doctor” at the then-named Sioux Valley Hospital misled his mother to believe that the procedure was medically necessary. Cochrun argues that the procedure was unnecessary, unethical and without medical benefit. “I was recently made aware of the fact that I had been (circumcised) and that … I was robbed of sensitivity during sexual intercourse as well as the sense of security and well-being I am entitled to in my person,” he argued in the lawsuit, adding that neither he nor his partners would “have that sensitivity during sexual intercourse and have a normal sex life.”

Recently made aware of the fact that I had been circumcised? What? I mean listen its not like I spend my days looking a dicks of all shapes and sizes. Not some sort of penis expert. But I’m pretty sure you’re well aware weather you’re rocking the Covered Wagon well before you’re 28 years old. We’ve all seen porn. We’ve all peeked over at the urinal (right?) You don’t need to be a dick doctor to know whether you’ve got that slinky snake skin over the tip of your dick or not.

And listen I don’t give a fucking shit how “good sex feels” with an uncircumcised dick. Sex feels fucking good enough for me. It cannot feel so much better that you want an extra flap hiding your mushroom tip the other 99% of your life you’re not having intercourse. There’s enough weird floppy skin going on in that region, I don’t need a hood that houses bacteria and infection. Its like you’re permanently walking around with a condom on.

Personally if I could track down the doctor that snipped my tip I’d shake his hand and thank him. He saved me from being ridiculed by everyone on my high school sports teams and girls running away from me when i took my dick out.

PS – I love that he’s only suing for a thousand bucks. Dude has a clean penis and sets the bar low when it comes to litigation.