Forgive the cliched broken record of a statement, but this game is fucking huge.  After a couple of big mistakes cost them their second win over Washington, it’s imperative that the Rangers walk into the Verizon Center and take the series lead tonight.  They can’t afford to gift the Capitals too much confidence when it’s clear who the better team is.  We need our stars to be better than their stars, our grinders to be better than their grinders, our goalie to be better than their goalie.  Now normally I’d trust Torts to get the boys up for a big game, but I’m still reeling from Monday’s loss and wouldn’t mind getting a few targeted thoughts off my chest.  And since I know for a fact that every Ranger reads the stool daily just to catch my alternative yet knowledgable viewpoints, I figured I can just spew my nonsense here and hopefully they heed my advice…

Brian Boyle, how about you unscramble that brain and remember how freaking big you are?  I know you must be feeling a bit wobbly on those skates, but you need to recapture that face-off-winning, big-goal-scoring, Karlsson-face-punching attitude that made you famous in the first round.  If a playoff series is determined by the grit and skill of a team’s third line, than we need you to be that link between Prust’s brawn and Fedotenko’s brain.  So sniff some smelling salts and start playing hockey again… before it becomes clear that you’re a better as an injured rallying point than you are as a half concussed centerman.

Marian Gaborik, how about you do what you were signed to do and score some timely goals?  I know you had a silky smooth fake shot/assist in Game 2 to set up Richards’ goal, but Ranger fans won’t watch their criticisms no matter how hard you back check or how many shots you block.  You’re the Blueshirts’ porn star – we tuned in to see you score.  The fact that you’re putting in the back end leg work is all well and good for production values and story lines and shit, but watching 60 minutes of action without seeing you stick that black thing in that gaping hole just has me flaccid and confused.  So start playing hard around the net and pound a couple in already, or your playoff legacy against Washington will forever be shaped by that great poke check you put on Hank in double overtime of last year’s Game 4.

And speaking of Henrik Lundqvist, how about you hop back on that horse and start playing goalie again?  No more imitating Wade Redden behind the net for you, my friend, stopping the puck from entering said net is now your number one concern.  How can someone who looks so goddamn good play so goddamn bad?  I know goalies usually try and limit these but you need a rebound like nobody’s business tonight.  You’re a 3x NHL all-star, a 4x Vezina trophy finalist and an olympic gold medalist, but you’re just a pussy who sucks in comment sections across the continent until you win on hockey’s biggest stage.  Rule, oh King.  That is all your subjects ask of you.  Rule over the American capital like it’s 1764.  Crush the Caps like their rebelling against the Rome of all goalies.  Just win us the game, for fuck’s sake.

LET’S GO RANGERS!  @Osgood_StoolNYC

PS – Not a fan of the guy but David Clarkson’s celebration after his game-winning goal last night was nothing short of revolutionary.  I mean, what the hell was that?  Was he planking up there?  Was that the net hump?  The superman?  Well whatever it was, it looked totally calculated and totally awesome.  Just marking his territory like he won the net in a turf war or something.  Hockey’s equivalent of hanging on the rim, right here…