Father Clancy,

I have a dilemma that needs to be settled. The matter is a wingman. Last night I was talking to a cute girl with an unfortunate looking friend. The unfortunate one even before drinking was less than pleasant looking. She had kegs for legs, farms for arms and I can’t rhyme anything with torso, but that shit was bulging, too. I was with my buddy and he decided to shepherd and chase some live stock. Night is winding down, my girl leaves and my buddy is still with the heffer and wants to stay. I end up driving them home together. Problem is do you applaud him for being a wingman in the losing effort or make fun of him for taking home Old Betsy? Its not exactly taking a bullet if the mission already failed, like Miguel Batista striking out the side down 10-0.

Mike

Hey Mike I have my own question that needs to be settled – are you the worst fucking friend in the history of mankind? Your friend gives up his entire night talking to a fat chick so you can try to get laid, you can’t close, and now you wanna make fun of him? After a long night of running interference for a buddy who let himself fall right into the Friend Zone this guy probably just wanted to get his dick sucked. And I can’t blame him for it. Once you’ve shown that you’re such a good friend you’re willing to throw away your entire night for another dude, you deserve immunity. You wanna go harpoon a whale or fuck an ugly girl, you should be able to do so without consequence.

Now, granted Mike, on some level your buddy probably acknowledged his wingmanning job was over. After that girl left, there has to be some understanding that the wingmanning contract has come to an end and he’s free to go on his merry way. So yea, maybe he wasn’t “taking a bullet for you” any longer. He was probably just like “Well one of us is gonna have to get laid to outweigh my incredibly gay friend who wasted a whole night making a new girl-friend” He took a bullet for the collective reputation of your friendship. And at that stage in the night he’s probably thinking “a mouth’s a mouth.” After watching it babble all night long the least he deserves is to see it in action.

Mike – I hope you never get another wingman ever again. But I will admit that the “Miguel Batista striking out the side down 10-0″ is a fantastic line, your execution was just horrendous. I will be stealing that for the future and using it in a more appropriate time.