Um has it occurred to you yet that Aaron Sorkin is writing Newsroom about Barstool? One man’s journalistic mission to tell the complete and unbiased truth, or in your own words, “the last haven for free speech”. Just finished episode 5 of the Newsroom and there is no longer any doubt. Will tells that bitch Nina that there is only one celebrity, one millionaire on his news floor. He’s also got a terrible rap with the rest of the media for groping chicks and generally being a womanizer. Sound familiar yet? Shit, I mean Will Mcavoy even looks like you except older, less nose, and more hair. And this mind fuck doesn’t end with you/Will. Theres Jim, the boy wonder of the news team who is pretty much a little bitch and can only get fat girls who are handed off to him by only the girl he actually wants to fuck. If that isn’t feitelberg to a T then I must have taken acid before reading every feitelberg article ever. There is one (important) person of color on the staff who only wants to talk about stupid ass shit like bigfoot. Oh, hey, Mo. And then theres that whiny little bitch Maggie with the fucked up eyes that KFC blogged about. Oh, who, by the way, happens to be a whiny little bitch with fucked up eyes just like KFC. Then finally theres a whole random assortment of people who don’t fucking matter (interns, Sales Guy, other writers from other cities, all of Stool Chicago). Sorkin just avoided paying you royalties by turning to politics, the one topic the stool tends to avoid, and pretending this shit is original. Am I right, or am i fucking right?
Listen, I’ve been called a lot of names on this blog. I’ve had some of the most offensive insults you can imagine hurled at me blogging for Barstool Sports.
But when I tell you that someone comparing me to Maggie from The Newsroom is the most offensive thing that I’ve ever heard, there is not one ounce of exaggeration in my voice. Maggie is a corny fat faced pig who brings absolutely nothing to the table. I’m gonna have to go back to my Top 6 Worst Characters In TV History list and throw her in there after seeing her performance this week. Just a fucking waste of space human. No fucking chance I’m Maggie. Lets go through the rest of the comparisons:
As the reader email pointed out: “only one celebrity, one millionaire on his news floor. He’s also got a terrible rap with the rest of the media for groping chicks and generally being a womanizer.” Also, he’s the head honcho with zero regard for what anyone thinks of him who went completely off the deep end after “The One” completely fucked him over. Which brings us too…
Spends every episode crying because she fucked over Will. Went off after the breakup and became some hero. Now desperately trying to make up for how she dicked over Will. Jenna hasn’t entered into that “trying to make up for it” phase, but that first part is true.
Jim Harper is loyal as fuck but a total bitch. Some boy wonder sidekick. Always worried about everyone else and shit. Jim is practically dating some broad just because someone else at the Newsroom told him too. I promise you I could tell Feitelberg to start dating some girl he didn’t want to and he’d do it anyway, just to keep things at the Stool kosher.
Every single day Kmarko is on the verge of absolutely flipping out. Dude is like an addict looking for his next fix. Always just tweaking and shit screaming about Smokesmash and how he hates everyone. Just like that motherfucker Don. Dude is on edge every minute of the day.
Leona wakes up everyday hoping that Will Mcavoy doesn’t do something stupid to cause her to lose all her money. Swap out Leona for First Lady and Pres for Will and bingo bango.
Reese Lansing/Sales Guy
Reese Lansing just runs around the Newsroom screaming like he knows what he’s talking about. Babbling about ratings like he’s some sort of advertising wiz who knows the business side of things. Meanwhile everyone else is like “Dude, shut the fuck up. There’s genius at work over here.” Sales Guy at Stool HQ to a T.
Neal is always babbling about something. Big Foot or the internet or twitter or blogs. Just like Pizza Boy. Kid never stops bothering me. Motivated as fuck and he’s always coming to me with ideas and shit, but he’s like a wind up toy with too my energy. Sometimes I just wanna be like “Pizza Boy, shut the fuck up about Big Foot. We’ll talk later”
Sloane Sabbith/Neil (Stool Chicago)
You love what you see but its still too early to see where this is going. Gonna play an important piece, just not sure how yet.
The true brains behind the whole operation. More behind the scenes that Mcavoy, but the one true person who makes the Newsroom able to function. Likes to drink and says fuck a lot.
Ah fuck it, who am I kidding. I really am Maggie.