Reader Email – Best Handjob vs Worst Blow Job?
KFC:
Back in college, I was seeing this chick who had probably the most incredible body I’d ever gotten close to. Huge tits and ass, kind of a butterface, but whatever. The issue was she wouldn’t give it up until we were officially dating — not something I wanted as a college junior. Her solution was handjobs — I could have as many of those as I wanted in the meantime, but nothing more. These weren’t just any handjobs, but the best handjobs I’ve ever had, and I’m 27 now.
But back when I was 20 years old and only wanted to bang her, this was a test of my will. I would rather get wrecked and test the 4am bar waters for random hookups than watch stupid movies w/ some broad on a Saturday night just to bang her. I didn’t make it very long before going home w/ a diff girl and losing my chance. But I will always remember what could have been with the Handjob Queen of Marist.
To this day, my friends and I reminisce on this and aks ourselves: What’s better… the world’s best handjob, or the world’s worst blowjob? It’s sort of like “Can Kentucky beat the Charlotte Bobcats?” In my mind, the BJ always wins no matter how bad… but when you’re dealing w/ a girl who walks around with a purse full of lotion, it might be a different story.
We need you to weigh in on this important topic, as it’s on everyone’s mind.
Heinz
Absolutely love the Kentucky vs Charlotte Bobcats comparison. Theres always one comparison like that every year. Sometimes its if an undefeated UConn Women’s team could beat the worst Mens team in Division 1. Completely ridiculous.
Now, you’re right, the Bobcats probably always beat Kentucky. The mens team always beats the womens team. But every now and then you stumble upon a miracle upset. The 1980 USA Hockey team beating the Soviets. Buster Douglas beating Mike Tyson. Well, Heinz, in my mind, your hand job queen is Buster fucking Douglas.
Now the act of a chick going down on you is always mentally gonna be better than her giving you a handie. But the physical pleasure derived from a professional hand job compared to an amateur blow job can be an absolutely blowout. Just think about some Asian masseuse pepper-cracking your Slim Jim during a rub and tug. People pay top dollar for that right? Meanwhile, a toothy blow job may be flat out painful. Not only is it not enough to get the job done, but you might limp away from that with some scars. The Pro HJ though has so many different variables. Two hands. 10 fingers. Two opposible thumbs. Up, down, left, right. Its like the bitch is entering the Contra 30 Men Code on your dick. Hand Job Queen will leave you with your knees shaking and your ballsack moisturized.
I wouldn’t blame anyone for picking anytime of blow job over a hand job though. Especially when you’re a freshman in college or whatever and some chick is trying to make you commit and all that jazz. That was a no brainer by Heinz at age 20. But I’m just saying, “in a vacuum,” I think a professional hand job is far superior to a lame blow task.
I have a feeling I’ll be in the minority here but lets go:
Vote 1 for I’ll take the worst BJ over the best HJ Vote 10 for I’ll take the Pro HJ over the lame BJ
(559 votes, average: 9.00 out of 10)
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PS – The lotion in the purse is such a cocky move.
considering really really bad BJs aren’t even enjoyable, it’d say this is a no brainer.. no pun intended
Hand jobs are underrated. There’s a lot of freakiness there. Girl usually has her eyes closed during a BJ. With a hand job there’s usually some eye contact, maybe even some dirty talk. Plus you get to see her expression when you blast all over the place.
i’m going HJ pro as well…always brings me back to 7th grade
I never thought it was possible, but when I was younger I got such a bad blow job I had to jerk off in self defense while she was blowing me because she was that determined. A for effort F- for effect, overall a horrible experience, so gotta go with hand job.
Great blog, this guy is a real professional when it comes to useless discussions.
KFC=best writer on BSS hands down (his pants).
First off A+ blog. Second, I’m with you on the HJ. A top notcher, from the right girl, beats a below average common BJ, hands down.
HJ ftw! Bad blowjobs are awkward and if there’s any teeth involved, it’s downright deflating.
i really don’t see where the arugment is here. i’ve had my share of bad bjs…and they were miserable. too much teeth, not enough tongue, praying for it to stop, just straight miserable. now, on the other hand, i’ve have some great handjs. straight up best thing ever. add some ky lotion and it’s all good. best handjob over worst bj fo sho.
better question is would you rather get an ok HJ from a hard 10 or a great BJ from some sloppy beat heffer
Nothing like a good old fashioned. I wonder….would it violate this chick’s code of ethics if I asked her to…you know…just sort of leeeeean her face in close and spit on the cock while she’s stroking it? (Was that question TMI?)
yea im with you too KFC, a bad bj actually fucking hurts, and ill just lose my hard on
I was gonna say top notch HJ but then I realized I can jerk myself off, but I can’t suck my own dick. I’m going with option B, shitty bJ bc at least you can blow a load in her mouth which is the 100% better than on yourself from a handy.
pro HJ. A bad blowjob and I’m just thinking of chompers or, god forbid, the late in life braces.
I once had a chick give me a BJ and literally scrapped the head of my dick with her teeth. I even said watch your teeth but she kept doing it. It was so bad that I made her stop. My dick was sore for a week. That being said i’d take the most mediocre HJ over that BJ any day of the week. Teeth do more damage than fingers
This is one of the most glorious blogs I have ever read.
Professional HJ all the way.
KFC you are on fire. Great email, great take. Prof. HJ all the way.
where y’all see a bad bj, I see a good opportunity! As soon as I realize this chick got no oral skills whatsoever, I’m giving directions like a fucking conductor at the symphony. It’s kinda like training a dog, you just gotta be consistent and offer positive reinforcement. And besides, bj’s and handies shouldn’t be a one or the other sort of deal, gotta get both up in that mix…but if it’s one or the other for a one time deal, then only an idiot wouldn’t deal out some knuckle children. Chicks can give solid handies without using their mouths, but I’ve never gotten good dome when hands didn’t come into play.
this shit was hilarious. good job.
A pro tug even beats an average beej.
Pro handy all day, erryday. When a bitch whips lotion specifically set aside, you know you’re dealing with a fucking pro. Toothy BJs are fucking worse than water boarding. The absolute worst, though, is the bad HJ. I had a broad gave me a pulled groin one Friday night. Fucking ruined my whole weekend.
BRO I MADE UP THE TERM PEPPPER SHAKER.. ASK THE ASIAN BOTTLE WAITRESS IN VEGAS @ ENCORE BEACH CLUB… BROOKLYN PEPPER SHAKERS ALL FUCKING DAY
this question is retarded, of course you take the worlds best HJ. how is this a debate?
First girl I got head from in high school I dated for a couple months. I was too nervous to tell her why I could never cum every time she gave me head. It was because she used so much teeth it was literally painful. I would cringe and tap her out everytime but wouldnt tell her why. I was such a pussy.
on another note.. i legit had one of the worst blowjobs ever.. a girl literally chewed on the head of my cock and i was so hammered and let her rip at it for like an hour.. long story short .. my dick was inactive for 2 weeks.. cuts all over my cockhead and swole as fuck… legit thought i had an std .. creamcheese oozing out tmy dick (pus) fkin nasty stuff man.. nice HJ over horrid BJ
Top notch handjo over a shitty bj everyday and twice on Sunday, last thing i need is some bitch biting my dick cuz some stupid fuckin magazine said so…
The fact that almost everyone says this is a no-brainer is evident that the question is stupid.
Marist chicks give the best handiess
Between this blog and pitbull blog, over/under KFC seta new comments record.
chick feeding my geese with professionalism wins every….single….time, over a shitass below job
@neilhaschemo….are you sure that wasn’t an actual std dude? i’ve had some pretty horrendous bj’s and i don’t recall any condiments coming out of my penis
I got my dick chomped on last weekend, worst BJ in the history of BJ’s, so this is a no brainer. Give me the handy. I’d almost rather give a blow job than receive that toothy nightmare ever again. Shit was terrifying. Thought my pee pee was going to bleed
…and i’m pretty sure neilhaschemo has chlamydia. Might want to get that checked out brah
Went to Marist around the time this kid Heinz did. Dad never gave me any advice in my life until he dropped me off. he said, “son, stick your dick in as many chicks here as you can- there will come a time when it’s not so easy”. I took his advice and took on all comers- fat, short, ugly, skinny, fat. got a few handies along the way and I’m pretty sure I know who ol’ Heinz is referring to
Would you rather get the best handjob of your life from Neil, or get a bloody-std filled blowjob from a smoke?
i think we need to specify between the worlds worst bj and just a bad bj. because if its the worst, like everyone is alluding to, with biting and clawing and teeth marks and shit then by all means, the pro HJ all day everyday. however, i think the email should’ve been best HJ vs a bad BJ (not rip your dick to shreds with teeth bc that’s not even sex, that’s a fucking criminal activity). and to that question i’d always say the beej. i’ve had a number of good pepper shakers in my time, but they don’t ever come close to what i can do for myself. a+ blog tho
no lie, i had a chick fall ASLEEP while playing my trumpet, freaked me out, so for a minute i just thought about packing up but damn i was dick rock, so im 2 hands on the back of my hips pumping this skull puppy and nothing, gave myself a handy on her face, win-win.
If you fags are getting bad BJ’s then you have no one to thank but yourselves. If a chick is taking the time to actually suck your needle dicks and is not doing it right then it’s your job to instruct her. Any man sitting there and taking a toothy BJ is no man in my book.
DID QUEEN HJ LET YOU SPLASH HER FACE UP? …that’s the real question and will provide the real answer.
Worst Bj was from some hooker in miami. basically jerked off into condom. Thats $40 i’ll never see again. Best HJ was from a very athletic girl, almost hurt. Best HJ wins every time over worst BJ.
A+ email. A+ response.
Blowjob, it’s not close.
9/10 a girl blowing you, even a shitty one = fucking her after the blowjob.
Handjobs are “ya, not fucking you tonight.”
Weak sauce.
I got to the 30 man code in Contra line and lost it – A + Blog!
To the E-mailer – what is this girl’s name? I’m 27 and know a girl who went to Marist and matches this description and has similar rules. Throw a first name out there.
As a follow up to my earlier post I would take the shittiest bJ ever from today’s smoke if she offered and I’d still thank her after while I was applying neosporin to my battered dick.
pepper cracking your slim jim is my new favorite thing to call an old fashioned. Amazing work KFC.
bad blow jobs might be the most depressing thing on the planet. like, it amazes me how girls can suck at sucking dick. i’d take a great hand job over a shitty BJ any day of the week.
Hand jobs? Is this a serious question? The only time you should be getting a hand job is when you’re home alone in front of the computer.
A pro HJ 100%…horrible Bjs are so depressing..such a let down. I once walked out on a bj back in college because it was so bad..
I pray to never hear the words “toothy” and “blowjob” in the same sentence ever again.
Is “Fng commenter” the only one on here who has any common sense? If you start getting a bad BJ, take fucking control of the situation. Start barking out orders, and if she doesn’t comply, grab your own dick, and start jerking it while just the tips in her mouth. If she still manages to keep her teeth involved, tell her to stick out her tongue, and start beating it while rubbing the tip on her tongue. Better than a handjob any day of the week.
had this girl back in college who told me she didn’t give blow jobs, but would give hand jobs. she’d jerk me off and when I was ready to bust she’d put the head into her mouth and jack away and until I was done. It was the best of both worlds