Hello! Barstool has a lot a of viewers and unfortunately, my next boyfriend is probably one of them. Can you post this to give guys a heads up on what some women really want from their man? An by some women I mean a crazy chick like myself.

Dear future boyfriend somewhere out there please do the following:
*Be loyal, honest, funny, romantic, have a car and job.
More importantly:
*Don’t stop eating til I’m done so I don’t feel fat.
*Hug me from behind once in a while .. without a boner. Girls love this.. well skinny girls love this.
*Be in shape enough to carry me from puking in the toilet to the bed when I’m blacked out if need be.
*At least TRY to have sex with me in public every once in a while. I might say no but then again I might say yes.
*Just pay for dinner, seriously I’m not asking for money to support my shopping addiction but really -I’m your girlfriend- get the bill ya dick.
*Don’t lie and tell me I don’t need a boob job. We both know I’m a two-by-four do so don’t try to be the nice guy and give me that “a hand full is enough” bullshit. Instead encourage me to keep saving my money to make my dream come true.
*Eat it. Listen to Rihanna. Eat that shit like its cake, all of it. If you feel like your not very good, Google it.
*If I order an “adult beverage” at least get a beer so I don’t feel like an alcoholic.
*Never buy stuffed animals cause they’re fucking pointless unless your a 5 year old. What the fuck am I supposed to do with a 5 foot teddy bear?
*Don’t get chocolates either cause that shit will be in front of me an I will not be able to resist. I’ll be bloated for a week, and you don’t want to see that. Go with flowers, even though they die they’re at least pretty and smell good for a time being.
*Foreplay would be nice, not just jack rabbiting me from the getgo every time we go to have sex.
*Understand that cumming on my face is not happening every time. I hate when that shit gets in my hair.
*Make sure your shoes are nice and teeth are brushed. If I see K*Swiss or pumpkin teeth not only will I puke on you but I won’t be able to bring you in public, so it probably won’t work out.
*Keep your shit trimmed, no one likes to floss with pubes.
*I’ve had sex with only 5 guys for a reason. I’m sure you’ve been around seeing how every guy has now a days, at least be honest about it… and your test results.
*Know how to remove earrings and hold back hair when I lack basic motor skills due to heavy drinking.
*While out, throw me the “I can’t wait to get you home and naked” look every once in a while so I know your thinking of me.
*Yes smiley faces in texts make me smile at my phone, and they do not make you any less manly.
*Last but not least, don’t fucking tell me I’m out spoken. It’s not like I’d talk like a ratchet bitch in front of your mom so don’t act like my dad and tell me what I shouldn’t say. I know when to act normal okay?
This may be a little much, but I’m just being honest.

- A__hole

So I got this email from this broad who is undoubtedly going to live her life as an old spinster cold and alone. This is exactly the sort of girl every dude tries to avoid. To a “T.” Rattling off a fucking laundry list of shit they require. You gotta have a car. You gotta pay for dinner. You gotta eat when I eat, drink when I drink. When I get shitfaced in public and ruin your night make sure you can carry my lifeless body and take my earrings off and put me to bed? Shut the fuck up you outspoken bitch!

My favorite is the “just TRY and have sex with me in public” and “give me the I can’t wait to get you home and get you naked look.” How delusional is this broad thinking that her list of things that a guy MUST have is that he wants to fuck? Uhhh that shit comes standard with every dude, babe. All the rest of this shit is extra amenities you wanna add to the car – tint the windows, get bigger rims, leather interior – but guys wanting to fuck chicks at all times is a feature that comes standard. You don’t need to put that on a list. And, the fact that you did put it on the list is probably means the “5 dudes” you banged probably didn’t really enjoy it enough to want to do it frequently. At this rate, with this mindset and this list of superficial bullshit, I’d say 30 years from now you’ll end up settling for a dude with no car, no job, who has pumpkin teeth, wears K*Swiss shoes and loves cumming in your hair.

Click after the jump to read my response to each item:

*Don’t stop eating til I’m done so I don’t feel fat. – Sorry I can’t keep up with your one meal a day binges when you eat like a 300 pound lineman. I am going to stop eating when I am full because I am an adult.
*Hug me from behind once in a while .. without a boner. Girls love this.. well skinny girls love this. – Seriously? This is one of your prerequisites? Hugging from behind? Grow the fuck up
*Be in shape enough to carry me from puking in the toilet to the bed when I’m blacked out if need be. – Deal. As long as you can do the same.
*At least TRY to have sex with me in public every once in a while. I might say no but then again I might say yes. – Pretty sure this should be on every guy’s list. Not a girls list. We want to always fuck you everywhere.
*Just pay for dinner, seriously I’m not asking for money to support my shopping addiction but really -I’m your girlfriend- get the bill ya dick. – If I pay for dinner every time, you are never allowed to say no in bed. Ever. Thats a fair trade I’ll make every day oof the week.
*Don’t lie and tell me I don’t need a boob job. We both know I’m a two-by-four do so don’t try to be the nice guy and give me that “a hand full is enough” bullshit. Instead encourage me to keep saving my money to make my dream come true. – Believe it or not, some dudes don’t like fake tits. When most of us say smaller and natural is better, we’re telling the fucking truth.
*Eat it. Listen to Rihanna. Eat that shit like its cake, all of it. If you feel like your not very good, Google it. – Ok, I can understand this request. Keep everything clean and don’t leave me down there for hours if it ain’t working and you got a deal.
*If I order an “adult beverage” at least get a beer so I don’t feel like an alcoholic. – If you can’t drink what you want to drink based on what other people are drinking you are a child.
*Never buy stuffed animals cause they’re fucking pointless unless your a 5 year old. What the fuck am I supposed to do with a 5 foot teddy bear? – Deal.
*Don’t get chocolates either cause that shit will be in front of me an I will not be able to resist. I’ll be bloated for a week, and you don’t want to see that. Go with flowers, even though they die they’re at least pretty and smell good for a time being. – Deal.
*Foreplay would be nice, not just jack rabbiting me from the getgo every time we go to have sex. – I agree. Suck my dick.
*Understand that cumming on my face is not happening every time. I hate when that shit gets in my hair. – Only thing on this list that got ANY dude excited. Most guys are pretty happy to give you the occassional facial. We won’t push our luck.
*Make sure your shoes are nice and teeth are brushed. If I see K*Swiss or pumpkin teeth not only will I puke on you but I won’t be able to bring you in public, so it probably won’t work out. – Make sure you shave your asshole.
*Keep your shit trimmed, no one likes to floss with pubes. – See above.
*I’ve had sex with only 5 guys for a reason. I’m sure you’ve been around seeing how every guy has now a days, at least be honest about it… and your test results. – You’ve probably had sex with 10 dudes. And telling the truth about your Number is sheer suicide. Its either too high and you’re appalled or too low and you feel like a slut.
*Know how to remove earrings and hold back hair when I lack basic motor skills due to heavy drinking. – Bitch, just sleep in your earrings. And forget about your hair there’s already cum in it from when i tried to give you a facial.

*While out, throw me the “I can’t wait to get you home and naked” look every once in a while so I know your thinking of me. – Anytime you look at a man’s face, that look you see is the “I want to fuck you” look. Its 100% of the time.
*Yes smiley faces in texts make me smile at my phone, and they do not make you any less manly. – This is another dealbreaker for your future husband? You’re an idiot.
*Last but not least, don’t fucking tell me I’m out spoken. It’s not like I’d talk like a ratchet bitch in front of your mom so don’t act like my dad and tell me what I shouldn’t say. I know when to act normal okay? – Clearly you are a fucking psychopath.