KFC,

The other night me and my boys we having a heated debate. We were trying to figure out how many dudes a chick has to bang to be considered a slut? My boy who has a girlfriend that’s banged like 12 dudes says 15, I said no fucking way and he’s trying to rationalize the fact he’s dating a slam pig, an anything over 5 guys an shes a dirty pirate hooker. Any ways we all had answers ranging from 3-15 and we decided we would ask you since you always seem to have good answers and analysis with this stuff. Also if a chick has had a ton of boyfriends and banged all of them is she still a slut even though chicks think it’s fine since she was dating all of them?

VIVA LA STOOL!!!

-Finn

3? 15? Really giving this some thought huh? You idiots. Do I have to do everything around here? Determining if a chick is a slut isn’t simple mathematics. It ain’t some X,Y linear equation shit. You gotta think outside the box on this one. Dust off the old text books and break out some calculus. Because a slut is not only determined by the number of dudes she’s fucked but also the amount of time in which she’s banged them. I mean a girl who lost her virginity at 16 and had sex with only 1 dude per year will hit double digits by the time she’s my age. That girl isn’t a slut though if she’s only have annual sessions. However, a chick who loses her virginity at the age of 25 and hits 10 by the time she’s 26, well that’s a horse of a different color. You gotta do some multi dimensional analysis. To truly determine if a chick is a slut you gotta find the area under her curves.

And unfortunately I’ll be perfectly honest, I don’t know if I’m smart enough to figure this out. My first thought was that you need to come up with some sort of multiplier based on the number of years elapsed since virginity, and then compare it to a set benchmark. So my thought was if you fuck 10 dudes in your first 5 years of having sex, thats 10/5=2. Then multiple that by the total number, 10 x 2, and its more like you’ve fucked 20 dudes since you did them all in a relatively short period. But that doesn’t work because if you fucked 4 dudes over 2 years, thats also a multipler of 2, which isn’t fair. 4 over 2 years is nothing. Also, 5 years from ages 16-21 is a very different time period of 25-30. Chicks can’t hide behind hand jobs and fingerbanging when you’re 28 years old like a 16 year old can. Obviously you’re gonna have more sex when you’re older.Is that being slutty or just being an adult?

Then there’s also the aging factor. Say you’re 18 years old and you go out and fuck 20 dudes this 4th of July weekend, but then you never have sex again until you’re 35. When you’re 35 and you’ve had sex with 20 people thats not crazy at all. But nobody knows that your 20 was only over the course of 3 days. Are you always branded a slut after a gangbang weekend? Or does it fade? Is it like Carbon-14 dating or the rings on a tree where you can always tell just how slutty she is/was? Or if you cut it out and get married and settle down do you get your sluttiness expunged?

I’m not even kidding when I say I opened up excel to try and figure this shit out. In another lifetime I may have honestly been able to come up with an equation to make this work. But now I blog for a living and I am getting exponentially stupider. In my gut I feel that there needs to be some sort of ratio based on the total number of dudes banged in relation to the time elapsed between your first bang and your most recent one. And if you go a really long time without having sex you get a bonus deduction and if you had a period where you fucked multiple people at the same time/over a short period of time you get added penalties. You multiply your number by that ratio and factor in the bonuses/penalties and this then determines a number which we’ll called Actual Number of Dudes Fucked. As opposed to just Number of Dudes Fucked. Then you take that number and compare it to a socially acceptable benchmark.

What should that benchmark be? I dunno lets just call it 11 to piss off your buddy who’s dating that slut.

PS – Really hoping there is at least one nerdy Stoolie out there who understands were I’m coming from and can come up with a formula to determine this. That shit would be Pulitzer Prize worthy