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KFC,

I have been trying to get my GF to let me bang her in the ass for a while now, with absolutely no luck. She keeps talking about “catholic guilt” which makes zero sense because 99% of the things we do on a regular basis do not make us very good Catholics. Last night she was telling me about how “we never do anything together” and we need to “spend more time together doing activities.” She suggests we run a half marathon. Just a little background, Back in college I played a D1 sport, but now I am a chubby cube monkey who’s idea of exercise is curling a handful of Oreos. I of course laugh in her face for such a crazy suggestion, and then she plays her trump card: if I train for, and complete a half marathon then I get anal.

Should I do it? The offer expires at close of business today so i need to know ASAP

(anonymous, she reads the stool and i can’t use my name)

PS: I have had anal sex with some other girls and it’s not like it’s the greatest thing ever, but I would like to do it with the current GF. KFC, if you don’t like anal, think of it as something you always wanted to do with your fiance but have never been allowed to do.

First off, a quick introduction before we get into this:

1. “Catholic guilt” has to be the most laughable excuse to not do anal that I’ve ever heard. You can just with the good old “Stuff getting shoved in my ass hurts” excuse.

2. Chicks who complain that you “don’t do enough stuff together” are the worst. Hey toots guess what? We’re both mediocre 20-somethings. We drink and go out to dinner. Thats it. You wanna go fly a kite together or some shit? This ain’t Hollywood. Open up another bottle of grapes and STFU.

2. This dude signing off his email as “anonymous” so that his girlfriend doesn’t know its him is absolutely fucking hilarious. Like this Anal Ransom Terrorist is gonna be reading the Stool and she’s gonna think that is a different couple who’s bartering half marathons for butthole sex and won’t think her boyfriend sent this email. It was the other guy who’s in the exact same perverted dilemma!

Now lets get down to business. There’s a couple ways we need to look at this. The first approach is the realistic approach. You sound a lot like myself and the other cube monkeys as far as the athleticism. At one point you played sports and shit. Now you’re just fat and shit. For myself, a half marathon is literally impossible. My girlfriend could promise me anal sex with Bar Refaeli for a half marathon and I’d just have to concede that its not a possibility. Thats like telling me if I learn how to fly I can buttfuck her. Might as well challenge me to climb Mount Everest because there ain’t know way I’m running 13.1.

But lets go ahead and assume you can pull it off. Played a D1 sport so I’d like to think if you trained you could get the job done. Whats the play? One the one hand, training for a half marathon is not necessarily a bad thing. Its not like she’s asking you to give up drinking or stop going out or something that actually, inherently sucks. Getting in shape is not a bad thing. And there will be a pot at the end of the rainbow in the form of you putting your dick in your girlfriend’s ass.

On the other hand training for a marathon is the fucking worst. I say “its not necessarily a bad thing” but that doesn’t mean its not the lamest, worst fucking process in the world. If your girlfriend sucks that means training will probably impact your drinking and diet and shit. You’re spending the next 6 months all sore. Most importantly you’re spending the next 6 months being that guy who goes to the gym with his girl and runs with his girl and all that shit. In life you gotta ask, is the juice worth the squeeze? The juice in this case is a nice tall glass of buttfucking. The squeeze is 6 months of hell with your girlfriend attached to your hip. Personally, no chance that is worth it for me. You gotta remember your girlfriend isn’t gonna turn into Taylor Rain just because you ran 13 miles. She’s just gonna allow you to insert. Thats a big difference. You’re not getting kinky anal sex. You’re getting some awful, slow penetration with possible tears in her eyes and a very rapey vibe. Best case scenario she kind of enjoys it and you have some great memories for the spank bank. Not worth wasting 6 months of your late 20s for that shit. This time is precious now. You have a lifetime to convince women to fuck them in the ass. A lifetime to “accidentally” slip in perhaps. You’ve only got limited time left to drink and enjoy life out at the bars and shit.

On the last hand, I want to assume you genuinely believe its worth it. You really, really want that ass. You think you can pull off the training. At the end of 6 months you’re in great shape and you’ve checked anal off your list. All sounds great, right? Wrong. What’s America’s first rule of thumb? We don’t negotiate with terrorists. You do not let your girlfriend control you with the promise of her asshole. It sets a horrible precedent. One minute you’re training for a half marathon because she dangles anal in front of your face like a donkey pulling a cart. The next minute she’s bribing you with a threesome if she gets pregnant. She’ll give you a blow job if you let her mother come stay with you for a few weeks. Before you know it, you’re doing all the most awful things in life because you and your weak willed dick will jump at the chance to bust any sort of nut.

At the end of the day, its your choice, anonymous. If you want to get in shape and have butt sex, this is a perfect opportunity. But the next 6 months of your life will suck. Anal sex, while theoretically awesome, usually doesn’t pan out physically. And you’re setting a dangerous precedent that you and your dick can be bribed into just about anything. Choose wisely…

Vote 1 for he should do the half marathon and buttfuck this chick Vote 10 for its not worth it, just be fat and eat Oreos and have normal vagina sex

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