Porn star fucker, Yu Darvish vs the perpetual sad-face emoticon, Hiroki Kuroda. Once again, I have zero faith in Kuroda. I bet he’s never banged even one exotic Japanese porn star in his life. And I just can’t get over the fact that the Yankees throw such an ugly pitcher out there every 5 days. He can try all the kissy-face, downward angles that ugly girls use on Facebook all he wants, but he’s never gonna have that New York look. As far as talent goes, as I’ve mentioned before, this is the exact type of lineup that is poised to tee off on Kuroda if he isn’t precise with his pitch selection and, more importantly, pitch location. The nibbling corners shit is cute, and works well when you can locate, but I don’t trust him holding up in the 180 degree sauna that is Texas. Good luck for any left fielder in tonight’s game, by the way. Looked like someone turned on the lights while wearing night vision goggles every time the camera panned out there in last night’s broadcast.

Darvish, on the other hand, looks like he could have some sticking power in this league. Apparently he does fucking everything. 7 pitches, including a 4-seam fastball reaching 96, a 2 seamer with nasty sink, a power cutter, a slider that’s a “7 on the scouting scale of 8″ (I don’t trust any scale not using multiples of 5), a slow AND hard curve, and a splitter. Oh and he has cat-like reflexes on the mound. This overachiever has the potential to make New York look absolutely foolish tonight with his superb talent coupled with the fact that the Yankees have never seen him before. Those two things plus the fact that Kuroda is pitching for the Yankees is the perfect storm for switching over to a replay of The Office by the 4th inning of this potential blowout. But hey, go Yanks.