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Mediate – Oh, Craigslist. You are so helpful for finding last-minute tickets, used vinyl records, and perfectly good furniture. You’re also good for reminding us that ridiculous people exist. In this case, specifically, people who enjoy watching actors role-play the George Zimmerman/Trayvon Martin altercation at a birthday party on Long Island. “HI MY FRIENDS AND I ARE HAVING A PARTY THIS WEEKEND AND WE ARE LOOKING TO HIRE TWO ACTORS TO COME IN AND ROLE PLAY THE TREVYON MARTIN/GEORGE ZIMMERMAN ALTERCATION,” the spelling-error-laden advertisement reads screams in all-caps. The ad doesn’t specify whether the actors should be lookalikes or just people of similar complexion, but, “ONE PERSON WOULD BE SMALLER AND THE OTHER A BIT BIGGER. ITS A JOKE AND WOULD ONLY GO FOR ABOUT 5 MINUTES. EMAIL ME IF YOU’RE INTERESTED AND I’LL GIVE YOU SOME MORE IDEAS.” THE PARTY ITSELF IS A BIRTHDAY PARTY FOR A GROUP OF PEOPLE IN THEIR 30′S. EVERYONE IS COMPLETELY PROFESSIONAL. YOU CAN CHECK OUT MY FACEBOOK PAGE AND OTHERS IF YOU LIKE. ITS GOING TO BE IN THE BACKYARD OF A VERY NICE HOME IN ROCKVILLE CENTRE, LONG ISLAND. 35 MINUTES BY TRAIN FROM PENN STATION

Oh Rockville Contre. Never change!

Its hard to come up with birthday party ideas when you get older. Like when I was a kid we just went to a place like Sport Time USA or Grand Slam USA. Arcade games and batting cages and air hockey and all that shit. It was a fucking blast. But eventually that shit doesn’t cut it anymore. Pinatas and birthday cake and pizza slices cut in half to those tiny little slivers aren’t putting asses in the seats for adult birthdays. Whats a 30 year old supposed to do at his birthday to make sure his guests enjoy himself? Sure booze and drugs are a solid start, but whats the real entertainment for the night?

Hows about a little murder/manslaughter reenactment! Thats whats hot in the streets these days. Forget about live music or hiring dancers. Just cut right to the controversial murder reenactments. Nothing screams Happy Birthday like someone mimicing a dead black kid with a fat Mexican-White guy partying the rest of the night away. Maybe for your Labor Day party you can hire some Aaron Hernandez lookalikes. Some execution dramatizations should be a hit too.