My photoshop skills are getting scary good.
After some time and deliberation, KFC and I, inspired by some of our more creative, less blowjob-obsessed commenters, have agreed on a wager for the first installment of the Subway Series. I regret to inform some of you that I will not be killing myself if I lose. Instead, we focused more on my prestigious career as a pizza man. If the Yankees take 2 of 3 or sweep, KFC will be accompanying me on one of my routes later this summer, and experiencing the plight of a hardworking pizza jockey. If the Mets win 2 of 3 or sweep, I will do my entire route in that disgusting cesspit of diseases and fart particles he calls a Forever Lazy. With the smell of donut and stale beer undoubtedly trapped in the ass, I may actually just crawl inside the pizza oven and kill myself instead. (Jew in the oven jokes are now off the table from commenters because I just mentioned it, so fuck you).
If I don’t win this bet I’m gonna be livid, and it’s not because I’d have to wear this fat person Snuggie. In fact, the Forever Lazy is probably a step up from my normal work attire, which consists mainly of stained white undershirts and basketball shorts. No, I’m gonna be pissed because I want myself and you guys (it will be recorded) to have the opportunity to see KFC fail at the job that the world misconceives as simple and mindless. Delivery takes brains and guts. What are you gonna do when the asshole customer doesn’t turn his porch light on until after you get to the door? House numbers are pretty tough to read around here at night- poor street lighting. How about remembering the salads? Making sure to take the side salad, which doesn’t even appear on the delivery ticket, is literally more challenging than anything I’ve ever had to do at any other job. And I can’t wait to see the look of sheer terror on KFC’s face when he drops his first pie. Instant heart-drop-into-the asshole feeling. Very similar to that wave of heat that consumes your body when you drop your phone. So that’s it. The bet has been decided and this weekend’s showdown between the Mets and the Yankees just got serious. Kuroda and the gang better step the fuck up, because the more I think about it, the more I realize how much delivering pizza in a onesie is gonna suck.
P.S.- If you are one of those people that don’t turn the porch light on until I’m at your door, what is wrong with you? Seriously, are you that stupid or do you just not care?