Stanley, you have 2 minutes to drop a worm into the mainframe and pick up Alfred Morris from Washington.

Raise your hand if the tabs on top of your Internet browser have squished from the standard 2 inch width to about 2 cm with 3 different leagues, a game-streaming site from Japan, some shitty Matthew Berry blog, and like 8 self-proclaimed experts’ Twitter feeds open.

For Jets fans like myself, the season starts around 1:05 and most likely ends around 1:09. This is all we have.