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Orlando The fine folks at Discovery have come up with another title sure to grab the attention. This time it’s “Sex Sent Me to the ER,” a four-part series that debuts at 10 p.m. Friday, Jan. 3, on Discovery Fit & Health. (TLC, usually the home for offbeat titles, will repeat the series at 10 p.m. Saturdays, starting Jan. 4.) As the title indicates, “Sex Sent Me to the ER” explores how intimate relations can turn dangerous and injury-making. The involved couples and the physicians recount the jaw-dropping stories. Discovery Fit & Health provided this preview, which for posterity I will repeat: “In the premiere episode, 24-year-old Greg is caught off guard when his girlfriend Jen tries to take their relationship to the next level. Four hundred and forty pounds and still a virgin, Greg is determined to pull out all the stops for his first time. But passion takes a dramatic turn when in the middle of making love, Greg accidentally sends his girlfriend headfirst through the wall and ultimately to the ER.”  Another story focuses on a rock guitarist who collapses after intercourse and cannot move an arm and leg. Discovery Fit & Health says that segment “reveals a surprising diagnosis.” Yet another story focuses on “a man with a broken penis whose situation is further complicated when both his wife and girlfriend show up at the hospital.” You just can’t make this stuff up. The new series comes from the production company behind “Untold Stories of the ER.”

Listen I know that this show is gonna be a lot of broken cocks and dudes getting weird shit stuck in their asses. Thats not exactly appointment television. But if you don’t think I am on the fucking edge of my seat waiting to hear the details on how a 450 pound virgin sent his girlfriend headfirst through a wall, you are outside of your mind. I would imagine 450 pounds behind you fucking you doggy style could easily send you through some sheetrock. Theres a lot of force coming at you from behind. Like that goddam idiot conductor on the Metro North train that had a diesel engine in the back derailing at 80 MPH. Thats like a 450 pound virgin who doesn’t know what hes doing thrusting you right off the bed.

If I can get a weekly story along those same lines, you can bet your fucking ass “Sex Sent Me to The ER” is gonna be high priority on the DVR.

PS – I can’t wait until there’s inevitably an episode about some girl who likes being choked that needed to go to the hospital after things went a little too far. And then I will fall in love with her and internet stalk her.