Huff PoNeigh means no. Jeremy Johnson, 20, of Pennsylvania, pleaded guilty to breaking into a barn and performing oral sex on a female horse. Johnson was sentenced to two-and-a-half years probation for defiant trespass and sexual intercourse with an animal. Police were called to the Perry County farm for a possible break-in at around 1 a.m. on May 2. The barn’s owner told police that an employee spotted Johnson in the stables after alarms were tripped. Johnson told officers he had been job-hunting at the barn previously and did not realize the time. He also said he had been at the barn for an hour and had licked a horse. Johnson’s case comes on the heels of a story earlier this year about a man who was accused of receiving oral sex from a horse, but was not charged under the state’s recently passed bestiality law because of an apparent oral sex loophole in the ordinance.

Let me preface this game of “Would You Rather” by stating the obvious – bestiality is bad. No matter what those voices in your head tell you, you just gotta have the composure to walk past a horse and avoid chowing the beav. If you can’t, you should be shot in the forehead. That being said, who’d you rather be? Jeremy Johnson, the consummate giver, strolling around barns tongue-darting horses’ queef holes? Or would you prefer to be the guy who closes his eyes, tilts his head back & grabs a handful of mane while a horse treats your cock like a carrot?

It might seem easy to think you’d rather give than receive when we’re talking about the mouth of a thousand pound animal with teeth the size of your dick. I’ve seen those grills crush Granny Smiths in seconds. The odds of permanent dong damage or removal are high, but what’s a blow job if you’re not enjoying it like it’s your last? Besides, anyone who’s rocked a bean with figure-8′s or the alphabet tongue & been suffocated to the point of seeing stars knows there’s inherent danger there too. And how big & filthy is a horse’s box anyway? Your tongue is nothing. You gotta stick your whole face in that thing and just shimmy I guess. If she uncorks a pussy fart, you’re dunzo. Do a good job and it’s a hoof through your sternum. Fuck that. I know the golden rule is to protect your junk and I certainly subscribe to it, but I’m not sacrificing my life. What a dickless life is, I don’t know, but I do know my dick is nothing without me. Sign me up for horse head & wish me luck.


What would you rather? Vote 1 if you’re a giver, 10 if you’d rather receive.

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars6 Stars7 Stars8 Stars9 Stars10 Stars (78 votes, average: 5.08 out of 10)
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