Fox SportsSoccer fans get as excited watching a big game as they do during a night of passionate love-making, European researchers claimed. Scientists from the Netherlands and Spain studied the hormone levels of Spanish fans during a match and found that levels of the sex hormone testosterone soared in male and female soccer fans regardless of their team’s success. Lead researcher Leander van der Meij, from Amsterdam’s Vu University, said fans also experienced a greater secretion of the “stress” hormone cortisol, an effect that is “consistent with the social self-preservation theory.” The spike in cortisol secretion suggests that the fans — younger, more devoted fans in particular — experienced a threat to their social esteem if their team did not win. The study was published Wednesday in the journal PLoS One.

I absolutely believe this. I’d say big time sports gets fans riled up even more than sex. Not just for European soccer fans. Diehard fans of any sport. And thats because sports is always a wild card. No script. A million variables. Anything can happen. You never know what to expect.

Sex…not so much. You pretty much know what to expect. Gonna start out with some foreplay. You start out on top. You try to pound her really hard and fast like a porno until you realize you’re probably going to come soon. So you switch spots and she rides you so you can last longer. You hope that she finds her rhythm and gets herself off because you got no shot of doing so. After that happens/she fakes it happening/you give up on it happening, you switch to doggystyle and finish after about a dozen pumps. You convince yourself it was several minutes of hitting it from behind but in reality it was about 20 seconds.

That or some variation of that is sex in a nutshell. Sometimes you’re drunk or its your birthday and things get a little kinky. But for the most part you know exactly what to expect. You have the same routine. It feels good and you like it but its a pretty regularly scheduled occurrence that you’ve grown used to.

Sports on the other hand. Totally different. Before a big playoff game you don’t know whats coming. You’re hoping for the best. Fearing the worst. Excited, scared, sweating, shaking. You’ve probably got a bigger boner before kick off or first pitch than you ever do during foreplay. You’re completely helpless in the situation and literally praying to some higher power things go right for you. (Alright, I do that during sex too, but much more often during sports.) Plus in your mind and in your heart, you know the game you’re about to watch is going to affect your life for months to come. Your happiness or your misery for the next half a year can depend on a big playoff game. Sex, one way or the other, is only affecting your mood until the next time you have it. Hopefully its not 6 months later for you, in which case sex and sports is a much more comparable event than you’d like.

Cue the “How would you know KFC? you don’t have sex OR have any teams that play in big games!” comments.