Screen Shot 2013-07-26 at 10.53.32 AM

Daily MailForget love and companionship, for one in six men a relationship is dependent on performance between the sheets – and they would leave a partner who failed to satisfy them in bed.  Hitting the spot is so important to one in four men and one in five women that they rate having regular orgasms more highly than being in love. But despite how important their sex lives are to their relationships, less than half of Britons admitted they were ‘very happy’ with how often they orgasm in a recent survey conducted by online retailer bondara.co.uk. They quizzed 3800 British men and women and found that 16 per cent of men and 10 per cent of women would end a loving relationship if they failed to reach an orgasm with their partner, with a further 39 per cent of men and women stating it would be a contributory factor. Although 60 per cent said they were ‘very happy’ when asked to rate their relationship in general, this figure fell by 17 per cent for men and 6 per cent for women when asked to rate the sexual side of their relationship.  When asked what affected their ability to reach orgasm, tiredness was the most common cause with 20 per cent of women and 23 per cent of men. Self-esteem issues ranked second for women followed by ‘lack of sexual desire’.  For 15 per cent of men, hitting the booze caused a problem in the bedroom as being drunk prevented them from climaxing, while job worries affect 12 per cent of men.  One in four of those surveyed stated they felt under pressure to reach orgasm every time they have sex. As a result 27 per cent of men and 69 per cent of women have at some point faked an orgasm.

Who are these British dudes who can’t cum? I mean don’t get me wrong – orgasms are definitely important in a relationship. I just don’t understand the dudes who are struggling to get that nut. I’m not trying to brag but I am absolutely amazing at coming. I am a fucking moral lock to cum. I have an almost flawless record. One time in my career I had to fake it but that was alcohol induced. Put on a fucking performance and a half like Meryl Streep that night too. But I digress. Back to my relentless coming. No way I’m specifically putting orgasms at the top of my list for Relationship Must Haves because thats an absolute given. Frequency of sex is up there. Frequency of blow jobs is up there. But I am guaranteed to finish up whenever that shit is going down.

I dunno I guess shit is different across the ponds. Dude’s faking orgasms left and right and shit. They drive on the other side of the road and apparently they can’t cum. Fucking weirdos.