Its-a-me, Mah-rio! I’ma gonna sexually assault-a you!
NEW YORK — Police say a man dressed as a Super Mario Brother has been arrested for groping a woman in Times Square. An NYPD spokesman says 34-year-old Damon Torres of North Bergen was charged with forcible touching on Wednesday. Police say Torres blocked a 58-year-old woman’s path in front of 4 Times Square and grabbed her thigh before walking away. The woman notified police officers, who arrested Torres at the famous tourist attraction. Torres was also charged with marijuana possession.
Yikes dude. How far has Super Mario fallen? I’d expect this sorta behavior out of Luigi. Dude is the lost forgotten twin. Mario took up all the oxygen in the womb. Came out bigger, faster, stronger. Fucked Princess Peach every game. Defeated Bowser and walked away the hero. Luigi has been living in Mario’s shadow since ’85. If he was high on drugs trying to finger old birds in the middle of Times Square, I wouldn’t bat an eyelash. Him and Wario probably just troll the streets looking to commit sexual assault.
But Mario. Man thats a shame. A real shocker. I guess thats what happens when you’re washed up. He’s like a child movie star from the 80s who’s fizzled out. Started out with a bit part in Donkey Kong. Rose to super stardom in Mario Bros. Became the biggest superstar on the planet. Invented a genre, changed the landscape of the whole of video games as we know it. Took some time off to be a boxing referee in Punch Out before rejuvenating his career in Mario Kart. Eventually his star started to fade. Agreed to do these sell out projects like Mario Party and Paper Mario just to keep the checks coming. And now he’s hit rock bottom. The world is infatuated with Call of Duty soliders and aliens in Halo. Nobody thinks a fat italian plumber is cool any more. I mean you see the latest Warcraft game? The main character is a panda. A fucking panda! Thats like a direct slap in the face to the Godfather of Video Games. No wonder he’s tweaked out in Times Square groping old bitches. His life is pretty much over.