vs.

So these were two top notch dog blogs on Barstool Boston yesterday. And let me tell you, this showdown right here – this shit is my life. All my stupid friends are like Parkour the SuperDog. Always doin shit and exercising and all that other crap. That shit is for the ducks. Meanwhile I’m at the bar just trying not to fall off my stool hoping to wrap my paws around a beer. Somehow I’ve gone ahead and surrounded myself with all these physically fit people. It’s sickening. You know my roommate rode his bike ONE HUNDRED MILES the other day? Fuck you! I don’t think if you added up all the cumulative miles I ever rode a bike in my entire life it would equal 100 miles. And the other two guys I live with are always running and “putting in miles,” as they say. What a couple of fags.

Just yesterday my idiot friend sent out this email to all the track nerds I unfortunately roll with asking if I wanted to participate in an Alumni Race at Van Cortlandt park. Yea dude sounds fuckin great let’s go “race” and shit. What do I look like, fuckin Parker from the Chrysler Commercial? Is it field day? I told him he must be outside of his mind to include me on that email, call me when we’re drinking bud light and you want to talk about the internet. And then of course everyone is on my case and they’re call me pathetic and saying I’m gonna die before I’m 40 and blah blah blah.

Fuck all that noise. If you need me I’ll be posted up in the Captain’s seat with the Official Barstool Mascot.