Short List – In the list of “things you want to smell like”, the odour of raw fish is probably rather low down on the list. Alongside sulphur and your dog. But, since when has common sense stopped anyone from doing anything eh? Demeter Fragrance Library, or rather those “crazy” guys at Demeter Fragrance Library, have created a new sushi cologne for those who can’t get quite enough sashimi. They claim the spray won’t make you smell like tuna but rather “just cooked sticky rice and straight from the seaside seaweed, laced with hints of ginger and lemon essences.” If you find that rubbing sushi over your body doesn’t give you the required stench then you’re welcome to buy a bottle here.

So this is kind of a random blog but the other day amidst this whole gas crisis and running a generator I was constantly reminded how much I love the smell of gasoline. So I started to think about expanding the Barstool empire as I always do and I figured the next step would be to release a Barstool Cologne. Eau de Stool. Great name right? I figure we’ll just call it “Viva” like Calvin Klein does with “Obsession” and we’ll have some smokeshows rolling around on the beach in a black and white camera to promote it. Naturally this ain’t gonna be no pussy cologne. Not gonna smell like flowers or fresh linens. This cologne will come in 5 different scents – all very toxic and artificial -the 5 best smells on the planet earth:

#1 – Gasoline Scent

Gasoline is the best smell in the whole fucking world. Every time I’m pumping gas I just sit there huffing and puffing trying to soak those fumes in. I swear to God I’m just gonna start drinking from the nozzle one day.

2. Permanent Marker Scent

I’m not talking about Crayola markers. I’m not even talking about Sharpies. I want one of those thick ass black Marks A Lot markers that would make Lexington Steele jealous. When I was in elementary school I’d walk around with black nostils and a light head after art class.

3. Rubber Cement Scent

Rubber cement was undoubtedly the most toxic thing on earth and yet it was readily handed out to children in schools all over the country. It is straight up poisonous goo with the most intoxicating aroma the classroom has ever seen. I may not even make it into a cologne spritz. I may just start slathering it on my body with that brush.

4. Play Doh

My personal number 1. I’m so pissed I’m an adult now because I have absolutely zero contact with Play Doh. A fresh jar of Play Doh smells like pure happiness to me. Also, a fresh jar of Play Doh tasted like tangy chewing gum that you could swallow. Anybody who left the Play Doh out and ruined its softness/smell should be punishable by death.

5. Newly opened tennis ball can scent

The smell of a fresh Sky Bounce blue ball racquet ball was almost put here in this slot. But that weird ass synthetic artificial smell of fuzzy tennis balls sealed in by that aluminum tab like a can of Pringles is something special. Out of the the balls smells in the world – tennis, blue, and testicle – fresh tennis balls takes the cake.