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The MercuryA TASMANIAN man bashed and choked his girlfriend until she blacked out after he tried to leave the scene where she engaged him in a threesome. The Supreme Court in Burnie heard the woman brought her female friend along on a camping trip last April and confessed to her partner, Phillip Hilton Bissett, that she was bisexual. She plied Bissett, 44, with alcohol to make him “more receptive” to the notion of a threesome. The court heard the three engaged in some “mild intimacy” but, as the two women became more involved with each other, Bissett decided to leave. He drove off but, drunk, crashed into bushes. His partner ran after him and tried to take the car keys from him. By this stage others in the camping area were looking on. As the woman again grabbed at the keys, Bissett slapped her and pushed her to the ground.

Let me break this down, paint the scene for you. Phil Bisset goes on a camping trip with his girlfriend. He’s thinking about a picnic, a nice sunset, maybe getting rocks underneath the stars by engaging in normal, 2 person monogamous sex. All the sudden, girlfriend Burnie brings another chick along on said camping trip and throws a wrench in the whole thing. Now out of nowhere Phil’s world is flipped completely upside down, as he finds out his girlfriend has been fucking chicks all these years. However, pornographic pressures are telling him this is a good thing. So, he gets a little banged up, starts triple kissing, some heavy petting. But next thing you know he’s watching his girl 69 some chick and its a pretty fuckin shocking scene. Dude gets completely overwhelmed. Now I know what you’re thinking: “KFC, are you and Phil Bisset some kinda gay?” But like Seinfeld said, “Don’t you know what it means to become an orgy guy? It changes everything. I’d have to dress different. I’d have to act different. I’d have to grow a mustache and get all kinds of robes and lotions and I’d need a new bedspread and new curtains I’d have to get thick carpeting and weirdo lighting. I’d have to get new friends. I’d have to get orgy friends. … Naw, I’m not ready for it.” I mean lets call a spade a spade, I’d love to give it a whirl, but the chances of me pulling off a threesome with all parties involved leaving satisfied is somewhere around 0%. I get where this dude is coming from.

Now, none of this has to do anything with the choking and beating of his dyke girlfriend. None of it. The only reason that bitch got choked out is because she tried to take the car keys from him. That’s it. When a girlfriend tries to tell her boyfriend he’s too drunk to drive and tries to steal the car keys, thats like the equivalent of a guy calling his girl fat. It’s like the worst thing you can do. You’re challenging our Automotive Manhood and it just sets off some primal instinct that makes us feel the need to absolutely prove that no matter how impaired we may be, we can always operate a car better than a female. So long story short, whether you’re gay or bi or straight or whether you’re menage’ing in the Tasmanian woods or not, if you try to grab a man’s car keys after he’s had a few pops, you’re getting choked the fuck out. Plain and simple.