Huff PoThere’s faking sick, and then there’s telling your employers that you just killed a small child. 42-year-old teacher Derek McGlone was well known at Calderhead High School in Scotland for making up stories to get out of work, the Telegraph reports. At an August 1 hearing of the General Teaching Council Scotland (GTCS), McGlone admitted to lying on a number of occasions between June 2008 and May 2011. In his most egregious fabrication, the music teacher told school officials that he had just run over a little girl with his car, according to UPI. ”He said he felt his car wheels running over her body,” Calderhead High School head Joyce Kilmartin wrote in an official statement. On another occasion, McGlone called from his home in Glasgow, claiming he was stuck in a volcanic ash cloud in Iceland. At the Council, McGlone took heat not only for his lies, but for his reaction to being reported. After discovering that some of his colleagues at Calderhead had made statements about his conduct to the GTCS in April 2011, McGlone went on a “drunken rant” over Facebook. He admitted to the Council panel that he referred to his coworkers as “bitches” and wrote that he would “hunt them down,” according to theScottish SunMcGlone resigned later that year, the Mirror reports, but now says he wants to return to teaching.

Snake it til you make it! I mean up until this moment I thought nobody has ever hated their job more than I hated mine when I was an accountant. I used to make up every sort of story you can imagine. Funerals and medical conditions and what not. But never in my wildest dreams would I confess to fictional vehicular homicide. When you reach the point that you would rather be viewed as a murderer rather than go to work, thats a new level of dedication to hating work that I never knew existed.

Especially when you’re a music teacher. Dude has one of the top 5 easiest jobs in America. Just show up, play some Hot Cross Buns on the recorder, pop in West Side Story for the afternoon classes, and then go home to your gay lover at night. Only job easier is when gym teachers just threw out a big bag of various balls and told you it was “open gym” for the day. But Derek McGlone just hates that school so fucking much but wants his tenure and pension so freaking bad he’d rather his boss view him as a murderer than ask for a legitimate day off.

And you know what the best part about it is? The details he gives. “He said he felt his car wheels running over her body.” Everyone knows the key to a good lie is details. You can’t just call up and say you’re sick. You gotta call up with symptoms and minutia that make it hard to believe you’re lying. Same way you can’t just call up and say you killed a girl with your car. Gotta describe her body getting crushed under your tires. Genius.

PS – The “trapped in the volcanic cloud of ash” excuse is straight up BRILLIANT. Who can call bullshit on that one?