NJ.com – An elderly man was arrested Monday night after a neighbor’s fart allegedly drove him to threaten him with a gun, police said. Daniel Collins, 72, had been involved in an ongoing dispute with the unidentified neighbor for some time, according to Det. Lt. Andrew McGurr. The neighbor told officers that Collins pointed a revolver at him in the vestibule of their apartment building at 694 Cedar Lane at around 9:25 p.m. Collins said he confronted the man after hearing him pass gas in front of his apartment door, but denied threatening him with a gun. He consented to a search, and officers recovered a .32 caliber revolver from his vehicle. He was arrested and charged with aggravated assault, possession of a weapon for an unlawful purpose, unlawful possession of a firearm and making terroristic threats. He was released after being processed, McGurr said.
I hate to side with George Jefferson here because usually I champion all things fart related, but we can’t live in a world where people are crop dusting their neighbors with reckless abandon. You wanna rip ass in the comfort of your own home? Go ahead. Wanna dutch oven your girlfriend in the bedroom? Hey you’re master of your own domain. But the moment you start carelessly dropping bombs in public, pepper spraying your neighbors door with your ass gas, well thats when you cross the line. Daniel Collins is trying to exchange neighborly pleasantries with the guy next door, and he’s just gonna fart all up in his face? Daniel Collins is supposed to just sit there while his front door gets assaulted by sphincter napalm? For sure not. Breaking wind is a natural occurrence but if you use it as a weapon of attack, well then you’re getting a weapon of attack right back in your face. Fart on my apartment door and you’re staring down the barrel of my gun. That will teach you to keep those ass cheeks clenched when you walk by my place.