If mom doesn’t let us sneak out right after Communion I am definitely jerking off

SEPTEMBER 13Some Florida churchgoers may now think twice about shaking their neighbor’s hand following the arrest of a teenager who was allegedly caught masturbating during a pair of recent Sunday services. According to cops, four witnesses spotted the 14-year-old suspect pleasuring himself inside the sanctuary of the First United Methodist Church in Niceville. One member of the congregation told police that she observed the teen “with his penis outside of his pants and stroking it,” a Niceville Police Department report states. When questioned by police, the boy copped to exposing himself inside the church on August 28. He explained that he was “playing with it” for about 10 minutes because, “I was bored.” He also admitted masturbating during a service the previous Sunday. The teenager–whose name cops redacted from the report–was charged with misdemeanor indecent exposure and lewd and lascivious behavior. It is unknown whether the alleged perpetrator has been allowed back into the sanctuary. Though, according to the church’s web site, visitors should “feel as welcome as possible. That’s why we make it a priority to have a ‘come as you are’ atmosphere on our campus to make you feel at home the minute you arrive.”

What a stupid question. “Why were you masturbating?” Uhhh, same reason why I masturbated the first 14 million times before this one – I got nothin better to do. Seriously there’s really only two reasons to jerk off – 1) to go to bed at night and 2) kill time. If you ask me would I rather be sitting around having an orgasm or sitting around not having an orgasm, I’m picking orgasm every single time. Specifically I’m choosing that answer 4-5 times a day. Now due to social constraints we don’t all just masturbate in public at all times, especially inside a House of God. If masturbating in public was acceptable the world would stop spinning. Literally nothing would get done. No stocks would be traded and no doctors would save lives. No building would be built and no food would be served. Because everyone would just constantly be punishing themsevles. There’s only one industry that would survive and thats blogging. Blogs would still be written because I think me and my contemporaries have balanced the writing/masturbating relationship.

But anyway, back to the point – the average kid walking into church immediately thinks “Man I would so much rather be stroking my dick than listening to this fucking Gospel according to Luke.” And right away its a struggle to not take your dick out. Try to keep yourself occupied looking at the stain glass windows. Try to take your mind off it by reading all the Stations of the Cross. Scan the crowd looking for some Smokes In Training or see if you can spot anyone from school. But the moment you’ve exhausted all those distractions and you realize you’re not even at Communion yet, welp it’s in God’s hands after that. Actually its in your hands but in God’s house to be more specific. And I don’t think anybody should really be surprised.

PS – Love this kid being like “Yea I jerked my shit and I did it last week too!” Like in that movie when Samuel L. Jackson snaps “Yes they deserved to die and I hope they burn in hell!”