Thought Catalog 25 things I learned in my 20s

  • 1. You can’t date a jerk and expect to turn them into a good person. Jerks are fully committed to being unpleasant. It’s best to stay away altogether.
  • 3. You’re going to lose touch with a lot of your friends. No friendship is truly safe in your twenties.
  • 4. You’ll be jealous of everyone who’s more successful than you.
  • 5. You’ll question every decision you make and never feel completely certain that you made the right choice.
  • 6. You’re going to give your heart to a few people who don’t deserve it. Then, one day you’ll come to your senses and ask them to give it back.
  • 7. You’ll see your parents get older. You’ll come home during Christmas break and see new lines developing on their faces. One day it’ll just hit you that your parents are old and going to die. There’s nothing you can do about it, besides treat them with kindness and visit as much as your budget permits.
  • 8. You’ll have a boss who makes you feel like you’re nothing. Don’t let them get to you though. They have no idea who the hell you really are and you’re probably going to have their job someday so…
  • 9. Doing drugs is fun until it’s not, until it starts affecting your life in negative ways and leaves you feeling guilty and wrecked. If that happens, you should stop doing them.
  • 10. You’re going to puke in public. It’s fine. No one cares. Just puke.
  • 13. Loving yourself is hard. Hating yourself is harder.
  • 14. You’re going to hook up with someone who you would never touch in the daylight sober. Just don’t freak out too much about it. Consider it to be your good deed for the day.
  • 15. You’re going to have people in your life who are toxic. They may say that they love you, they may say that they have your back, but they don’t. Get rid of them.
  • 16. You’ll have moments with someone that are so intense, it’ll feel like you’ve been electrocuted back to life. You’ll hold on to these moments for a long time.
  • 19. You’ll realize that the Internet can be a cruel son of a bitch but, you know, www.whatever.com.
  • 20. So much of what you think matters doesn’t actually matter at all. It’s kind of rude. Like, thanks for making me believe in things that are ultimately so inconsequential, you jerk.
  • 23. Don’t force yourself into loving anyone. If it’s not working in the beginning, it’s probably not going to work ever.
  • 24. You are so lucky to have everything that you have. Stop crying about an unreturned text message and get some perspective.
  • 25. Don’t go too long without having sex. Ever

Ahhh the 20 something yuppie. My brethren. In my opinion the most insufferable group in society today. Occupy crybabies who think because they graduated college and now have a couple bills and have endured a couple years of a weak economy, they’re some grizzled veterans of life hardened by the trials and tribulations that has come there way. Either that or you’ve got the 20 somethings who landed jobs where they make entirely too much money or they Zuckerberg’d the world and like a fake life. No matter how you cut it, you got a whole generation of young adults who think they have a grasp on what life is about even though they have no fucking clue.

Click after the jump to see my analysis. Or don’t. Because I’m just an idiot 27 year old that doesn’t know shit. I just know that I don’t know shit.

You can’t date a jerk and expect to turn them into a good person. – Riveting fuckin advice dude. Thats your number 1 nugget of wisdom after all the knowledge you’ve accumulated? “People are mean.” Dr. Seuss taught me that shit. Plus this doesn’t even apply at all to dudes. Girls can be “jerks” and even if they could we wouldn’t care we’d still have sex with them

You’re going to lose touch with a lot of your friends. No friendship is truly safe in your twenties. - NO FRIENDSHIP IS SAFE FROM THE CLUTCHES OF BEING BETWEEN THE AGES OF 20 and 30! ROAR! The better piece of advice here would have been you’re gonna have your real friends and you’re going to have friends from work. Real friends you can do whatever you want with. When you go out with work friends don’t get as blacked out and end up trying to fuck them. Never ends well

You’ll be jealous of everyone who’s more successful than you -If you’re an insecure asshole, this will be true. Its good to realize right off the bat that there will always be a someone richer than you, someone hotter than you, someone that hooks up more than you. Don’t be one of these 99% assholes that thinks the everyone in the world deserves to be rich. Embrace your mediocrity!

You’ll question every decision you make and never feel completely certain that you made the right choice. - Hate to break it to you, but this isn’t something you learn when you’re 25. I learned that when I was like 8 every time I had to choose between Fruit Roll up and Fruit by The Foot

You’ll give your heart to a few people who don’t deserve it - Translation: You’re gonna get dumped and rejected. Don’t be a bitch about it and say they didn’t deserve your heart. Just realize they didn’t like your heart. Or your overweight body. Or just you in general. It happens.

You’ll see your parents get older. You’ll come home during Christmas break and see new lines developing on their faces. One day it’ll just hit you that your parents are old and going to die. - Jesus fucking Christ bro! Wanna tell me about how my childhood puppy is gonna die any moment too! Good Lord. If you spend your 20s thinking about your dead parents you’re doing it wrong

Doing drugs is fun until its not – Doing drugs is fun until always.

You’re going to puke in public - What the fuck? Did you pull this one from the works of Socrates? Aristotle? Its not ok to run around vomiting in public, no matter how old you are

You’re going to hook up with someone who you would never touch in the daylight sober. Just don’t freak out too much about it. Consider it to be your good deed for the day. – Get off your high horse. The ugly chick you roll over to in the morning sucks, but she ain’t going home and bragging to her friends either. Not like you’re donating your golden dick to charity. Just admit you’re happy you got your rocks off too.

Loving yourself is hard. Hating yourself is harder. – I legitimately have no idea what the fuck this guy is talking about.

You’re going to have people in your life who are toxic. – Namely the fat chick who you bang that one time to get out of a slump who won’t stop texting you and hanging out with you. All your friends will make fun of you for it. Bitches like that are toxic.

You’ll have moments with someone that are so intense, it’ll feel like you’ve been electrocuted back to life. - You talkin about fuckin?

You’ll realize that the Internet can be a cruel son of a bitch but, you know, www.whatever.com. – No, not www.whatever.com. www.BarstoolSports.com. We make fun of young, dumb yuppies in a serious way. Shit can ruin you. Keep that shit in mind.

So much of what you think matters doesn’t actually matter at all - Thats true if you spend all your time worrying about the wrong shit. Here’s what I think matters – Making enough money to live an enjoyable life and spending said enjoyable life going out boozing and trying to fuck. That shit matters.

Don’t force yourself into loving anyone - Amen to this one. Sleep around until its socially unacceptable. Then settle at the last possible moment once all your buddies have all gotten married and had kids and you have no more friends to go out and try to sleep around with.

You are so lucky to have everything that you have. Stop crying about an unreturned text message and get some perspective - The “you are so lucky” part is true. But if you’re getting unreturned text messages that means you need to work on your text game because the only way you get laid as a 20 something is via text. Seriously.

Don’t go too long without having sex. Ever – If you need a goddam internet list to tell you this, at any age at all, you’re doing everything wrong.