And so it begins. Yet another round of Yankee’s ALCS games. Just going for their 41st AL pennant. No big deal. The best of the best the American League has to offer. CC Sabathia vs …..oh wait nevermind CJ Freakin Wilson is starting Game 1 tonight. And I’m not going to sit here and shit on CJ Wilson as a pitcher. Guy had an unreal season. Was the ace of the Rangers staff until they went out and got Lee. But CJ Wilson starting Game 1 of the ALCS is like picking up your prom date on a bicycle. This is the big time, Rangers. You want to make a good impression. And CJ Wilson just doesn’t impress me.

And the Barstool NYC Research Department (AKA Wikipedia) just sent word that Wilson “adheres to a “Straight Edge” way of life (in which one abstains from alcohol, illegal drugs, and promiscuous sex in order to maintain a healthy and poison-free body). As a sign of his choice and pride of being Straight Edge, Wilson has the words “Straight Edge” tattooed along the length of his torso, Japanese characters on his shoulder that read “Poison Free” and “XXX” stitched on his blue glove as a straight edge symbol.”

Good for you CJ. I used to live the Straight Edge lifestyle too bro. Its called being fucking 10 years old. Didn’t smoke or drink a thing back then either. Too busy playing kickball and buying Becketts and Tuff Stuff. And then I discovered boobies, got my first boner, and it was all drinking, drugs, and promiscious sex from there on out. So basically CJ Wilson is like an emo kid weirdo disguised as a baseball player right? Like what’s the point of being a professional athlete if you don’t drink, do drugs, or fuck hot sluts? Makes no sense. And how much fun must that Rangers locker room be? CJ Wilson strutting around sober as a bird. Ginger Ale Josh can’t even sniff champagne from a mile away. And then you got their manager Ron Washington blowing lines in his office and telling everyone how close the clubhouse is.

And you expect me to believe CJ Wilson is looking at this Yankees lineup 1-9 and NOT drinking himself into a stupor? Bullshit. You got the best 1-2-3 punch in the world at the heart of the order. El Capitan leading it all off. All-Stars like Granderson, and Jorge in the bottom half of the order. And then they have the best leadoff man in all of baseball batting NINTH. And that doesn’t even mention the HR Machine Marcus Thames or another All Star in Swish. This lineup is so stacked it would make even the straightest Straight Edger fall off the wagon so fast it would make his little sober head spin.

Look for the Yankees to come out firing tonight, pick up right where they left off against the Twins, and shove CJ Wilson’s blue XXX glove right down his Poison Free throat. Its like when the Situation said “What are you gonna say to someone who looks like Rambo pretty much with his shirt off?” Well what are you gonna say tonight when CC has a huge bounce back game, the offense keeps raking 1-9, and the bullpen keeps closing teams out like its the Mo-John Wetteland days all over again? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

And the Rangers actually have the only offense in the league than can come close to matching up with the Yankees. Michael Young, Hamilton, Cruz, and Vlad all kind of scare the shit out of me. And if Elvis Andrus can get on base he is going to run circles around Posada all day long. But the way the Yankees played in the Division Series, none of that will matter. Right now THIS is the team the Yankees could’ve been all season long. Absurd offense. Lights out pitching. Game over. Once the playoffs started the Yankees flipped it on, and you can tell this team is on a mission for Number 28.

So there are 2 rules to remember this weekend folks. Never trust a man who doesn’t drink. And never bet against the Yankees in October.

Yankees in 6.