All I Want For Christmas Is You

Its Christmas season. Which means two things – you gotta buy presents and chicks are going absolutely bananas for Mariah Carey’s All I Want For Christmas Is You. I don’t think there is anything on the planet earth girls love more than that song. Have you ever seen anything like girls going into a frenzy when it comes on at a bar or a party? Its like when sharks thrashing around when chum is thrown in the water. They just start screaming and jumping and waving their arms and then perform like they are Mariah Carey on stage at fucking Jingle Ball. Its one of the biggest difference between men and women. Like when a song comes on that a guy loves its just like “Oh I love this song.” Maybe you start dancing or sing along. But chicks its like a full blown celebration. They just get completely overwhelmed by the fact that the song that is going into their ears is a song that they enjoy and thus need to lose all control of themselves. The only thing that compares to white girls reacting to All I Want For Christmas Is You coming on is black people reacting to dunks at a dunk contest.

Its just one of the many bizarre things girls love. Here is definitive list of the other stuff. (Note: simple shit like “money” and “shopping” are too obvious. This is the weird stuff they obsess over.)

Hunter Boots

Chicks fucking love these. Love them. They’re goddam rain boots. Big rubber rain boots. Looks like something the crew of the Deadliest Catch would wear. But for some reason broads just can’t get enough of them. It would be like guys going berserk over galoshes or something. I think girls actually look forward to nasty rainy weather just so they can wear these boots. If they could somehow make it rain every single day I think they would. Just for Hunter Boots.

Pumpkin Spice

As soon as the fall hits chicks just eat and drink anything that tastes like a fucking pumpkin. Pumpkin spiced coffee, pumpkin spiced beer, pumpkin spiced bread. Broads just fucking love the way pumpkins taste I guess. One day I think they are just gonna cut to the chase and start eating pumpkins straight up. The same way you eat an apple. Bitches just walking around during the fall lugging big ass pumpkins chomping away like squirrels.


Seltzer fucking sucks. Its disgusting. Takes like dirty bitter water. And girls drink it by the gallon. Never in one million years would I ever go to the fridge and pour myself a glass of seltzer. Never would go to a soda machine and pick a seltzer. Either you wanna drink a soda or you want to drink water. Bubbly gross water is an awful in between. And even worse is when they get the flavored seltzer. Only chicks would drink something like Pomegranate Seltzer or Blackberry Seltzer or something.


Most chicks out there don’t eat like monsters. They watch what they eat. They eat clean. Don’t like to eat heavy stuff, don’t wanna get messy. That all goes out the window with cheese. It doesn’t matter if its a cheese plate or Salsa Con Queso right out of the jar. Chicks will eat cheese like its going out of style. Put a pot of cheese fondue in front of them and I legitimately think they’d dip anything in there. Rocks and piece of wood and plastic just covered in cheese. We all love cheese but girls take it to a new level.

Buffalo Chicken Cheese Dip

I think one of the requirements to be called a girl is that you make buffalo chicken dip on Super Bowl Sunday. You need to have a vagina in between your legs and you need to make buffalo chicken dip for football. The best part is they think they made some amazing gourmet hors d’oeuvre. Bitch you mixed up chicken cheese and hot sauce and threw it in the microwave. 5 million other undomesticated women out there made the same thing today.


I like brunch. Just about as much as I like other meals. I like going out to breakfast. I like getting lunch. Going out to dinner is the best thing ever. All of this pales in comparison to brunch in the eyes of chicks. They love mimosas. They love bellinis. Have an inexplicable obsession with bloody mary’s. “I’ll have a bloody!” Gross bitch. Tomato juice? For sure not. And then they order something that inevitable has avocado on it. Thats basically all brunch is. Chicks drinking mimosas and eating avocados.

Guacamole and Margaritas 

Speaking of avocados. “Guac.” They fucking love guac. Now I like “guacamole.” But bitches love “guac.” You see the difference? Same thing with margaritas. Girls drink “margs.” They go out for girls night and go to a place like Dos Caminos and do “guac and margs” and its the greatest thing they’ve ever done. Hey guess what bitches? You just ate chips and dip and drank bad tequila! Thats all you did.

And last but certainly not least – Hocus Pocus

Its been well documented throughout the years on Barstool New York. The ABC Family channel in general. All the movies and TV shows on there. 13 days of Halloween. 25 days of Christmas. Pretty Little Liars. Its like their version of ESPN.

So overall, I think if chicks could go out to brunch during a Christmas blizzard wearing Hunter boots, listening to All I Want For Christmas Is You, drinking a mimosa or a marg with a side of guac and cheese dip washed down with a glass of seltzer and a pumpkin spice latte for dessert, it would be the happiest moment of her life.