Sometimes I still don’t even believe it. I have to pinch myself and be like “Wait…I’m not a Major League Baseball player?” “I was on the cover of Batter Up in 1993 and my career never panned out?” “I’m a blogger now?” And I just can’t even wrap my mind around it. Doesn’t even make any sense. I mean if you were to ask me right to my face who had the more tragic ending to their career – Me or Len Bias – I’m going with me. Look at that stance. Look at those eyes. Focus. Determined. Aggressive. I think I led the White Sox in every major statistical category that year.
And obviously I was so ahead of my time fashion wise, I was wearing Bugle Boy jeans with the elastic waistband. All the other 7 year old boys were still being dressed by their moms wearing overalls and corduroys and gay shit and I knew I needed to separate myself from those goons. Got my hands on a pair of Bugles and never looked back. To be honest that was probably my downfall. Once it was established I was the cool kid wearing jeans and LA Lights and my mom let me buy CDs with the Parental Advisory sticker, I think I got distracted by all the off field temptations. There was this one chick named Brooke who used to kick my shins at recess and that was it for me. Bugle Boy and Pussy. Two things that can kill even the most relentless Little League slugger’s career.
PS – Now we’ve come full circle and I’m becoming a fat blogger and a pair of jeans with an elastic waistband could definitely be in my near future. Life is all about symmetry.