There’s a rumor running around the sports world.  Well, myth is more like it.  It’s being used as an excuse to remain ignorant.  It’s accepted as fact when in truth it’s flimsy fallacy.  A weak sauce statement spreading fiction through America – Hockey doesn’t work on television, they say.  Poppycock, is my response…

Such a pitiful cop out.  Such a lazy conclusion.  You’re telling me baseball transfers well to the small screen?  Compared to a typical MLB broadcast, even insanely boring NHL games are athletic equivalents of methamphetamine binges.  But you don’t hear America’s pastime derided by the mainstream media for being slower than a gimp in molasses.  Is it so insane to assume the game, like most other professional sports, takes some skill to understand?  Trust this seasoned veteran of both arenas, watching hockey is like performing oral sex – you can’t expect an orgasm without employing effective techniques, and that knowledge isn’t always innate.  So like that “Tongue Tornado” scene in American Pie before me, I’m here to educate the inexperienced with a little 101-enlightenment.  Behold, How to Watch Hockey on TV: A Beginner’s Guide…

5) Forgive The Camera Angles. Every game exploits its flow for the fans at home.  Football, as the country’s most popular sport, is a perfect example of this.  Constant breaks in action allow the networks to employ their super slo-mo replays and skycam angles for stunning insight into the developing play.  Hockey doesn’t have this luxury.  It’s consistently moving and asks its fans (and production crews) to keep up.  Sometimes, the press-box-standard shot just doesn’t convey how quickly the game goes.  Technology’s taking this task to heart, and experimental cameras in players’ sticks and refs’ helmets may someday be an integral part of watching the game, but alas, we’re not there yet.  With a decade of broadcasting hockey before them, the onus is on NBC to figure out how revolutionizing the televised product can most optimally be accomplished.  I’d be happy to consult them, of course…

4) Try & Watch The Players At Points, Not Just The Puck. If you’re constantly watching the football, how can you expect to understand passing routes and blocking coverage?  How can you comprehend offensive zone strategy without taking your eye off the basketball?  Same rings true in hockey, and even more so because the object in question is the smallest black thing on earth now that Gary Coleman’s dead.  You don’t learn by watching the object, you learn by watching the athletes.  Breakouts, neutral zone regroups, forechecks and cycling – all better understood through studying the players.  Attempting to keep your eye on the puck is an exercise in futility; it causes more confusion than clarification.  And that brings me to my next point…

3) Don’t Expect Any Explanations. Whether it’s a oddly bouncing deflection or a simple icing call, don’t expect any explanations from your resident play-by-play crew.  The game is simply too fast to clarify every confusing occurence and edify all you newbs.  Pulling goalies, offside decisions, endless references to Canadian culture and the early 80′s – hockey is, and always will be, a sport dedicated to die-hards.  We’re not going to voluntarily crawl through the game so you can keep pace.  That’s why I suggest you employ tip number two and…

2) Watch With Experienced Company. It’s the body-system of spectating sports (and if you didn’t get the Heavyweights reference, please do yourself a favor and Perkisize your pop culture knowledge).  I already noted that watching hockey is like performing oral sex, but it’s also akin to receiving head as well - smoother when experienced with an experienced partner.  A conversant companion can help you narrow down realistic concerns.  They’ll explain why certain penalties are called and why your cries for players to ”SHOOT!” are actually shit.  Some of you stoolies surely need a thesaurus to comprehend my writing, and a novice watching hockey on TV is no different than you illiterates encountering SAT words for the first time.  So, dumb one, grab yourself a human reference guide and get to the learning…

1) Go To A Game. Simplest trick out there to better appreciating any sport  - attend a game in person.  Costs are no excuse; plenty of minor league barns out there offer up next-to-top-quality hockey for bargain prices.  Plus, you’re almost guaranteed to see a fight or two (or five).  Getting a live look will help you feel the speed of the game and get a better sense of how fast these guys can skate.  You’ll understand how hard the hits are and how loud the rink can be.  Who knows, maybe you’ll be blessed with the opportunity to throw your favorite hat on the ice and never see it again.  We should all be so lucky!  Watching a game in-person will make the transfer back to television much easier to swallow – just like…  Forget it, no need to force in another fellatio analogy.

There you have it – Osgood’s 101 Guide To Watching Hockey on TV.  Think I missed something?  Have another idea to add?  Enlighten me in the comment section and maybe by the end of the day I’ll have enough material to actually write one of those “For Dummies” books myself.  Then I can finally advance past my current position in the hockey writing world - recaping Rangers games to a bunch of idiots who couldn’t care less.  @Osgood_StoolNYC