It’s amazing how the entire world agrees that Lily sucks. She’s so that fucking girl that tries to piggyback on your group’s inside jokes. She never gets the hint that it’s guy time and she lingers for way too long. Everyone knows you don’t actually like Madden and you just wanna be that cool, Zooey Deschanel “one of the guys” girls. Luckily the show’s humor is supported well enough by the other 4 characters. With the new season starting tonight, I present to you the HIMYM power rankings:
1. Barney- The self-proclaimed Barnacle is not only the best character on the show, but easily a top 5 character on television. He slays hood rats, crushes his banking job, and oh yeah… has deployed the most outrageously creative and innovative pickup moves to become a sex icon to whom all men aspire, while in reality, he’s gay. Nothing wrong with NPH getting his guzzle on in real life, but I just find it fascinating that a gay man can play the poster boy for straight. If he’s not your number 1, then you’re obviously a homophobe and quite possibly a racist.
2. Marshall- He would be the number 1 on any other show that doesn’t star NPH. Despite the fact that he’s married to the anti-funny, he brings to the table a witty and unique sense of humor that we don’t see anywhere else. No one on Men at Work is throwing out gems like Marshall’s “I’m too big for New York City” rant. That was honestly one of the funniest television moments I’ve ever seen. Actually that episode is a perfect representation of the power rankings in general- Marshall kills the big fish, small pond spiel, but is upstaged by Barney’s incessant need for a high-five.
3. Ted- Is there a chance I’m partially biased and picking Ted over Robyn because I bear a striking physical resemblance to the show’s main character? Possibly. But Ted is still a solid 3. I’m amazed how many people think Ted is an awful character. Granted, he’s a bit of a softy, but you need that juxtaposition with Barney. Otherwise, you just have two players and a married guy anchoring the show. The married guy, pussy monger, relationship seeker is a proven technique that dates back to the last couple seasons of Friends. Don’t fix it if it isn’t broken. Ted also provides someone for us to continually root for and applaud when things go his way.
4. Robyn- Robyn is only this low by default. She’s a shopping mall sensation in Canada and she’s every guy’s dream. Whereas Lily wants to be and is desperate to be one of the guys, Robyn actually is that girl. She smokes cigars, drinks man drinks, and loves hockey. Aside from that last part, she just oozes perfection. She went through a bit of an uggo stretch in the middle seasons, but I forgive her, as I’ve learned she was actually pregnant in real life and concealing it on the show. Bravo, Scherbatsky- anyone that can still summon blood to the tip while bearing a child is okay in my book.
5.- Literally everyone else on the show besides Lily. Clint, Ranjit, Wayne Brady, even Punchy- Ted’s annoying, over-the-top friend from Cleveland (love him in Blue Mountain State though)- is better than Lily. I wish HIMYM took a really dark turn in the episode with Amanda Peet working in Marshall’s office. Lily finds out about the situation, spite-fucks some dude out of anger and the power couple breaks up. Ratings may have taken a momentary hit for a week or two, but it’s for the greater good. Lily’s stupid, corny humor is the only thing in the way of How I Met Your Mother being an elite show like 30 Rock or Community. Band camp bitch has to go. They need to replace her at the start of this season with someone who doesn’t suck. Don’t even make a reference to it in the show either. Fresh Prince of Bel-Air did it like 8 times with the mom. Just get Debra Messing or something; she’s been a ghost since Along Came Polly.