KFC,

Last night a friend and I were given tickets to sit on the floor at the Knicks game. We had a great time, everyone in our section loved us and it was the rowdiest I’ve ever seen the Garden. It was like a Dave Matthews Concert for straight guys. The Doc Brown looking guy we sat next to even offered us a handful of weed that he and his son had (weird move). Right after the game ended during the Melo interview the camera panned out to see my friend and I standing there and there I was giving myself a good old fashioned sub-conscious nose pick. I guess I wanted to add a few more nuggets to the Knicks bench. I was on TV at the game last night, all over Sportscenter this morning and on all these booty ass local news stations in shithole towns where my errant friends live. My only defense is that I was on Sportscenter and they weren’t. So I ask you this- Does this get me laid?

-The #1 overall pick, Roldy

I fucking love this move. Great work by Roldy here. I got 2 reader emails before him saying “Check out this nose picker during Melo’s post game!” with screen shots and video and every other piece of nose picking evidence you can think of. But Roldy just took control of the situation himself. If you’re gonna get plastered all over Barstool for being a nose picker, might as well own that shit. Kinda reminds me of the final scene of 8 Mile when Eminem makes fun of himself and Papa Doc doesn’t have shit to say back to him.

Its just like anything else in life. If you’re fat – be the funny ass fat guy and embrace your rolls. If you’re ugly, joke about how ugly you are (unless you’re a girl. Then you should get surgery and fix that)  I mean look at El Pres – dude has basically made a living off of making fun of his disgustingly huge nose. So if you’re gonna get caught digging for gold on national TV, own up to it, turn the tables on your friends and the bloggers and all the sudden you’re the funny guy who has a good sense of humor.

Unfortunately for Roldy, thats not where his night ended…

So I wanted to share a story about last night with you. It’s not all glitz and glam in Hollywood when you’re a big TV star like myself. Picking my nose on national television was not the worst part of last night and not ashamed of it (plus I’m fairly certain that those photos and live video are doctored for ratings and to ruin me).

After the game last night I had to meet with some people from work for drinks (and by had to I mean I don’t know when to call it a night). My boss insisted I send the photo of this “alleged” nose picking to my entire company…so that was awesome. Later on I jumped on an 11:52 train back to Suffern that should have gotten me home just after 1 AM. Well of course I fell asleep and when I woke up at 2:45, it was time to get off the train – in Cornwall. Now, the train station in Cornwall isn’t in the nice, little town of Cornwall; it’s in the middle of nowhere and at 3 AM there are no cabs at train stations in the middle of nowhere. I make a call to get a cab, BUT my phone died as it was ringing. GREAT. I am literally the only person at this station and I start looking for a payphone, luckily they had one. I out a few quarters in (after reading directions on how to use a payphone) and call my mom to tell her the deal. Operator tells me the phone doesn’t work. Now, the next thing I did wasn’t the best move I’ve ever made but in the heat of the moment it just felt right. I started yelling at the phone and smashed it into a million pieces. Like I said, not my most shining moment. The feeling of achievement after breaking said phone wore off in about 5 seconds resulting in a “now what?” thought.

I set off on foot and tried to hitch a ride from two cars that drove by. Shockingly they didn’t pick me up (I don’t get why). I walked for about half a mile in one direction with nothing in sight and decided to turn back. At this point, I’m feeling like a huge piece of shit and thinking I was going to have to sleep in one of those glass boxes to keep people warm, but there was 1 house just on the other side of the station. A big ass creepy looking house. I started walking towards it and actually asked myself out loud “What the fuck are you doing, Matt?” but proceeded to accept that fact that I could actually be killed. I rang the door bell which was the creepiest ring ever and no one answered (YES!). Then I saw a light on the side of the house and it was some guy’s apartment within the house. He happened to be up playing guitar (creepy) and I knocked on his window (creepier). I made sure to remove my black leather gloves so he wouldn’t feel too threatened and kill me (sortve wish he did). He came around to the side of his house and yelled to me “What do you want?” and I nervously told him what the deal was. He invited me in (I was certain this was it) and let me use his phone and offered me a drink which I declined (I finally learned when to call it quits). I called my Mom and she planned to meet me at Woodbury Commons. I was 20 minutes from there.

So me and my new friend Leo get in his minivan (he didn’t have kids) after he asked me for $10 and I gave him $20 as extra incentive to let me keep my organs. At this time it’s around 4 AM and I am ready to ask Leo for $10 back and have him just kill me instead but he actually drove me to Woodbury without touching my leg, breathing on my neck or blindfolding me. The guy probably got his fill earlier in the night. However, he did keep referring to himself as a Night Hawk which I kept just agreeing with him on. In a night that began with me sitting on the floor at the biggest Knicks game in years- I ended up all over national television, completely humiliated at work (needed that), on a train in upstate NY (definitely needed that), almost homeless, almost dead and somehow at work the next day in one piece.

Do I chalk this up as a win?

- Roldy

Anytime you are in a car with a dude named Night Hawk and you end up making it out alive, you are 200% a winner for the night.