The Reason That Inmate Planned To Chop Off Bieber’s Dick Was Because He Didn’t Respond To His Letters. Guess What I Did Immediately After Seeing This?
NY Post - He was Justin Bieber’s “Lonely Girl” — in prison. The child rapist-murderer who plotted to castrate and kill the Biebs in New York City was furious with the pop star for ignoring his jailhouse love letters, court records reveal. Dana Martin, 45, told cops he “had become infatuated” with the 18-year-old singer, according to a New Mexico affidavit seeking the arrest of ex-con Mark Staake, 41, one of the men recruited for the job. “Mr. Martin stated that he had attempted to solicit correspondence on numerous occasions . . . and [Bieber] never returned in kind,” cops wrote. “This perceived slight made Mr. Martin upset and that, coupled with Mr. Martin’s perception of being a ‘nobody’ in prison, led him to begin plotting the kidnap and murder.”
Saw this story yesterday evening right after I finished blogging about Jesse The Jeopardy! Lunatic who emails me every single day. So guess what I fucking did?
from: Kevin Clancy <firstname.lastname@example.org>
date: Thu, Dec 13, 2012 at 6:37 PM
subject: Re: Jeopardy!
Yo we watching tonight? I havent seen any episodes the week. Who’s the defending champ? What can I expect
Get back to me, artichoke
Emailed that maniac back right a fucking way. I don’t want anybody hunting me down and chopping off my dick all because he wanted to shoot the shit about Trebek and Daily Doubles and what not. A) I’m a man of the people and I appreciate my readers and B) I love my dick and don’t want anyone to chop it off.
to: nyctips <email@example.com>
date: Thu, Dec 13, 2012 at 6:57 PM
subject: Re: Jeopardy!
Ha the zoo keepers finally released me from the cage for my first day (don’t know if you saw my chronicle this AM), and just got the chance to read your article waiting at Port Authority…unfortunately, looks like I’ll be missing tonight, so you can sleep with both eyes closed tonight I guess. But the rest of the week’s been madd volatile with a different champion like each day.
Yo even though one may conclude that you were making fun of me in your article, don’t think I’m stopping (if I ever get home from work in time). See that’s the problem with kids that are too uptight/feminist/KO Stool/etc; you need to be secure enough with and be able to poke fun at yourself, or life will just be miserable for you…can I get an amen? (from a guy that makes fun of himself often for being a blogger). Anyhow, anything interesting happen tonight worth noting? And I’m serious about artichoke; there’s two words that I’m trying to make happen (like that dime from Mean Girls and fetch): phat and artichoke.
Ps, AP Lang & Comp was the bane of my existence back when I was 17 but Mrs Shilling would be quite proud that a positive salient feature that I’ve been criticized for now is actually my grammar. Speaking of my grammar, I actually read all those emails I wrote you and hate to report that I actually found a typo, sipho = siphon.
You found me,
Amen brotha. In a world of pussification Jeopardy! remains a stronghold.
Nothing too noteworthy. That British artichoke has the worst teeth I’ve ever seen. Nobody got Final Jeopardy! right but he still won.
Your grammar game is vicious.
I think I’m officially off the Kill List, right? Like I’d imagine as soon as Jesse got that email he crossed me off his list and smeared red lipstick all over his mouth Buscemi style. Its a win-win situation. Jesse gets his dream to have a little Jeopardy banter and KFC gets to keep his dick. Bingo bango crisis averted.