MSNBCFrom schnitzel to Korean tacos, you can find almost anything at New York food trucks. But next weekend, one new truck will offer something that even New Yorkers may find out of the ordinary. The Trojan “Good Vibrations” truck will be traveling around Manhattan and Brooklyn on Thursday, July 28, and Friday, July 29, to promote sexual health awareness by showcasing Trojan’s line of vibrators. The truck will be handing out free Trojan Her Pleasure condoms and giving away Trojan Vibrating Rings. They’ll also be offering the first five “pleasure-seekers” to check in on Facebook the chance to win a Trojan vibrator. And in an effort to truly connect with young people, they’re busting out the iPads and letting people take a “What’s Your Vibe” quiz, which they say will match participants with their perfect Trojan Vibrations product. Some of the truck stops include Off the Wagon near Washington Square Park and The Williamsburg Waterfront in Brooklyn. The truck will be wrapping up its New York roadtrip at the tip of Long Island in the resort town of Montauk on Saturday.

Oh great. Just what I need. My two favorite things in the world being given out for free: condoms and vibrators.

One of those things makes my dick not feel anything and the other thing completely replaces my dick all together.

Hey Trojan while you’re at it why don’t you drive around a truck giving out free dudes who are rich and tall dark and handsome? That way I’ll never have to worry about ever using my dick ever again. I can just see it now. Sally and Suzie on their lunch break walking over to this cock-mobile. “Yea, hi, can I have a falafel, one of those rat meat shish kebobs, and a 12 inch vibrating thrusting rubber dick so that I’ll never ever have to consider having sex with KFC from Barstool.”

I mean this thing is like some cock blocking tank with about 800 horsepower. Plowing through the city giving New York women false hopes about everything. Because 1) you must be crazy if you think I’m strapping a condom on and 2) you must be certifiably insane if you expect sex with me to feel as good as your synthetic cock machine.