So by now everyone knows the story of StarbucksDrakeHands guy. I blogged about him last week. Everybody and their mother has done their own parody of his video – Boomer Esiason and Terry Bradshaw the most recent. The internet was taken by storm by the story of a barista who met a girl in Starbucks, got her number, and sent her this absurd video seducing her. Problem is the whole story is a lie.
Sat down with Brody Ryan last night, better known as StarbucksDrakeHands Guy, and got the real scoop on this whole story. Which apparently that broad Piper Kennedy completely made up. Conniving little minx. There was no Starbucks. They never even met. They connected on Tinder, eventually began texting, and when the trail went cold and she stopped responding he said he sent her the absurd Drake video as like one last ditch effort to get her back on the line. From there she decided to put him on blast on the internet and basically clown him publicly. Essentially trying to embarrass this dude all over the internet, but surprise, surprise, as soon as the story took off, she hit him up telling him to go along with all the details she made up for these various interviews and appearances she wanted to make.
Now I’m sure a bunch of guys out there are like “Why the fuck should I care about this story or this guy?” Because literally every guy has been in this situation before. Granted Brody took it a step further with his selfie masterpiece. You might think he’s kind of a dramatic dude after that video, but after talking to him he sounded like a pretty normal guy. Dude is just a guy from Ohio. Told me he was eating powdered donuts when he started to get blown up with texts that he was all over the internet. So even though it might not seem like it, you’re more similar than you think. We’ve all been there. You’re stringing a girl and everything seems to be going fine. You’re making progress, she’s responding. Only a matter of time before you get her out and meet her and try to take her down. And then inexplicably the trail goes cold. You made one mistake with a text or said something wrong or something happens on her end and the whole pursuit just ends. At that point you should probably just call it quits and move on to the next one. But you always wanna send out one last Hail Mary – if it works, great, if it doesn’t, whatever, you had nothing to lose anyway. In my case, I usually just sent something very blunt like “do you do anal?” and hope for the best. In Brody’s case, he hit her with that smoldering, deep seductive Drake face. Hey, wouldn’t be my choice but thats how Brody rolls man.
Only difference here is Brody ends up going completely viral. How fucking wacky is that? Thats the world we live in these days. I mean the shit that a man says or does when hes texting a chick trying to get laid is sacred. That shit should be private, man. The cutesy shit you say, the cock pics you might send. The Drake Hands Seduction video. All that should be off limits to the public. But nowadays some attention whore chick can put you on blast like that and next thing you know overnight you’re on everyone’s Twitter feed front page of every website out there. I mean in this case Brody has basically spun this whole thing to his advantage and nobody gives a shit about this chick. But man oh man, if some of the chicks I used to text put me on blast on the internet, I’d be fucking cooked. Moral of the story is, be careful who you send your video messages, or in my case, dick pics, to. No matter how much you think you might end up getting laid. Chicks can be trifling sons of bitches.
Heres the full interview if you’re interested in hearing more, or you can holler at Brody on Twitter @SirBrodag These are the kind of gems you can expect:
Eating Chinese while taking a bath! Y’all keep hating on my love for baths, but truth is I do not have a hot tub. My muscle ache!#godfather
— Brody Ryan (@sirBRODAG) November 7, 2012