I cannot remember the last time I was so offended in my life. Is this George Hart dickhead trying to tell me that this is the correct way to eat a bagel? With graphs and shit drawn all over it? Fuck you, bro. Maybe people who put lox or gay shit on their bagels want to eat it like it’s a fucking art project but not me. I don’t want to do math with my breakfast. Not gonna see how deep to cut into the third quadrant along the x axis in order to gain optimal surface area. I can hardly do long division, no need to turn my breakfast into a bagel chart. And don’t even get me started on the toasting. You have to rotate it? It’s a fucking bagel, not a rotisserie chicken. Bottom line is if you’re not eating a works bagel with regular cream cheese you’re doing the bagel wrong. That’s the end all be all. Cut it with a knife, normally, like a man and start your day off right. I don’t even think there’s anything else. Onion maybe? Egg bagel in a pinch?