I’ll tell you what – if I ever went to a Bar Mitzvah and Tiki fucking Barber was there I’d turn around and leave so fast it would blow your yarmulke right off your head. Bar Mitzvahs are all about glow sticks and inflatable saxophones and lifting Jews in chairs and dancing to  the Cha Cha Slide. Not hanging out with some arrogant delusional asshole. What the fuck is Tiki Barber gonna do at a Bar Mitzvah? Besides try to fuck all the young JAPs and leave yet another wife? There’s only so many of those to go around. Certainly don’t need some big black dude taking them from you.

Now, if I could create some sort of custom package where Tiki would appear and tell me how to avoid being one of the most hated men in New York City, I’d probably pay for that. Maybe a luncheon where he explains how its possible for someone to be the greatest running back in a franchise’s history yet have the entire fan base hate you because you’re a backstabbing, gossipy bitch? Perhaps work in how to bail on your pregnant wife, marry a slutty intern, and be so arrogant and convince yourself you’re the greatest thing in sports broadcasting even though you can’t hold down any job at all? Now thats Tiki’s area of expertise. I’d pay at least $250 to learn how to avoid being one of the biggest scumbags in the world.