CBS – A diner at a Gage Park neighborhood McDonald’s is suing the fast food giant, claiming her young child ate a used condom he found in the restaurant’s play area. Anishi Spencer filed the suit Wednesday in Cook County Circuit Court on behalf of herself and her young sons, Jacquel and Jonathan Hines. Jonathan, then 3, and Jacquel, 2, were visiting the restaurant at 5733 S. Kezie Ave. on Feb. 4, 2012, when they allegedly found the used condom on the play area floor, Spencer claims in the suit. The mother claims Jacquel later coughed up a piece of the condom, the suit says. Both toddlers had to receive medical treatment because of the incident. The suit accuses McDonalds Corp. and McDonalds of Illinois of failing to properly clean hazardous debris from an area used by children. It also blames the restaurant chain for not using surveillance or inspections to uncover any “deviant activities” at its eatery.

There is no worse place to eat a used condom than inside a McDonald’s play pen. Like if you’re gonna list out all the dining areas to chow down on a used condom – the top end of the spectrum would be a nice candle lit dining room, the bottom end would be a McDonald’s play pen. Absolutely dead last. The used condom was probably just the appetizer. The first course. Had Jacquel not been yanked out of there, she probably would have eaten a piece of human shit with a hypodermic needle  on the side. That used condom/human turd/hypodermic needle is actually the little known #15 on the McDonald’s Extra Value Meal menu. Honestly you got better chance of hanging out in a tuberculosis ward and coming out healthy than you do hanging out in a McDonald’s Play Pen. The quickest way to become Patient Zero is to roll around in one of those joints.

I’ll tell you what the real story is though – people fucking in the ball pit. Assuming we can remove the nasty hygienic aspect – its the complete polar opposite of eating in a ball pit. Banging in the balls has gotta be the single funnest experience of all time, no? Diving into the abyss of balls just trying to get your footing so you can bang out your lady partner. The rumbling noise. Plastic balls flying. Climbing up the netting on the side and diving off. Not really sure how that part would mesh with the sex but I’d work it in there. I think banging in a ball pit has just skyrocketed to the top of my Bucket List. McDonald’s here I cum.