Part II of Episode 24 of KFC Radio is coming out later today. We got one of our best questions of all time this week “Which announcer would you want to call the play by play of your sex?” Me, Pres, Feits and Big Cat discussed it but it was such a good question it needed to be blogged. Honestly this list could easily be like a top 25. The amount of guys I cut out and left out is staggering. So much good material out there. It ended up being 12 because I needed Hawk Harrelson in there, and its kinda not even in particular order. You could rearrange any of these and I’d probably be fine with it. Buckle up! We’re about to talk about a lot of old white men watching me fuck!
12. Hawk Harrelson, Chicago White Sox announcer
Not sure if most northeast Stoolies know this guy but our Chicago guys will. A money shot to Hawk’s “YOU CAN PUT IT ON THE BOOOARRRRDDD” could very well be the greatest moment in the history of intercourse.
11. Doc Emrick
Now this is an obvious pick to start off with Doc’s signature “Scores!” and I definitely needed a hockey guy, but it goes deeper than that. Sex with me is a lot like hockey in a way. A whole lot of nothing and constant build up result in a big moment that you can never predict when its coming. Doc would absolutely murder my sex routine with all his quick hitting detailed description. “Very deliberate grab over the tits, pokes a finger towards the back door swiped away by her hand. Faint moan from her but nothing really doing. She’s on top but its still not working. she’s all but given up. Shes gonna pull the goalie…Voice starts to rise….Flip her over she’s on her stomach…” This is where it would be obvious on my face that we’re about to have a break away 1-on-none goal… “he’s doing her doggie style he SHOOTS HE SCORES!!!” And every time I almost get her to orgasm but fall short it would be like when one hits the post. “CLINK! And he hitts the possssst!” with that excited but defeated tone to his voice.
10. John Madden
Strictly for his telestrator game. Imagine John Madden mumbling while drawing a telestrator dick around my actual dick? Dude has unintentionally drawn like 5,000 dicks. Imagine if he was actually just circling testicles and a shaft and diagramming my penetration?
9. Bill Walton
You know when most people think of their grandma or something to try to slow them down from coming? Well I just think of Bill Walton and his wooden teeth. I swear to God I could fuck for hours listening to Bill Walton talk about me. “Founded in 1930, Kentucky Fried Chicken has brought pleasure to literally millions of people all over the world. And here we are nearly 85 years later with a new era of KFC. Kevin Francis Clancy ushering in a new era of smut and romanticism. Like Pachelbel’s Canon in D, this foreplay performance from KFC will never be forgotten.” I’d be like 45 minutes into the session before I’d figure out what the fuck Bill Walton was talking about. Sidenote – While this Boris Diaw clip is patently ridiculous, when he said “Robert Horry is the greatest inbounds passer in the history of the NBA” that might be my favorite.
8. Bill Raftry
Four words: Send it in Jerome. I’ll start it off with “the kiss!” Show some “onions!” and get her naked. And then I “SEND IT IN JEROME!” Cue all the commenters calling me gay saying my sex would be “MAN-TO-MAN!”
7. John Sterling/Suzyn Waldman
First of all, there’s so much sexual tension between Suzyn Waldman and John Sterling you could cut it with John Sterling’s dick. So just having these two in the room would up the sexual ambiance to about a billion. When you fuck with me, there’s plenty of miscues and bloopers and shit so it would be perfect for Sterling. And its about as uneventful and boring as a meaningless Yankees game in August. “That’s right Suzyn looks like he’s going down on her now. You know I was once eating box and it tasted like tuna fish.” “Well JAWN, my bawx tastes like honey nut cheerios!” And then of course a Sterling home run call like “It was short, it was mediocre and IT IS DONE! KFC just unloaded his biscuits!” with Suzyn doing her “OH MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS.” Thats intercourse, Suzyn.
6. Gary Cohen/Ron Darling/Keith Hernandez
The reason I’d want these three calling my sex is because it would be the most comprehensive sex broadcast of all time. I’d get every last detail and stat from Gary, and infinite amount of confidence from Ron, and just enough condescension and disinterest from Keith to motivate me. Gary would be like “So here’s KFC, kind of a journeyman fucker here. Not exactly what you would call impressive numbers. He was up and down from the minors but reinvented himself in 2009 when he joined the Barstool Club. Seen success since then.” Ron would be like “But you know Gary he’s really focused these days. He’s found some inner confidence in himself and it really shows.” And Keith would be half asleep and chime in as I’m still on top like “He’s still fucking her missionary! Gar not to sound conceited here but back in my day I’d be doing anal already. These kids lack fundies.”
5. Booker Corrigan, Burgandy High School Lacrosse Announcer
The sleeper pick of my list. Booker Corrigan needs to be announcing prime time professional sports and he needs to be announcing it yesterday. So far be it from me to not include him on my list of people worthy to describe me fucking.
You got a gun up in your waist? Please don’t shoot up the place. Why? Because KFC has a lady tonight that should be having his babay, babay
Ding dong, ding dong? Who’s there? There’s someone at the door. Who is it? Its the Mail Man! What’s he got? HE’S GOT KFC’S SUBSCRIPTION TO “I JUST PLOW PUSSY” QUARTERLY!
4. Jerry The King Lawler and Jim “JR” Ross
If Jerry The King and JR were announcing my sex it would just turn into a 4-some. I think I’d just invite them to join in. As soon as I got her clothes off Jerry would be yelling “BRA AND PANTIES” and once she was naked it would be nothing but “PUPPIES.” Jim Ross throwing out terms like “hellfire and brimstone.” It would be my dream to have JR announce my sex like the Undertaker/Mankind 1998 Hell In A Cell. I’d play the role of Undertaker and she’d be Mankind. I wish I could fuck her so hard JR would be like “By GOD SHE’S DEAD! There’s no way she can take anymore! AS GOD AS MY WITNESS HE BROKE HER IN HALF!” Just spanking and choking and pulling hair and throwing her on to a bed full of thumbtacks. Wait what?
3. Gus Johnson
Absolute no brainer here. I’d cum in 5 seconds with Gus Johnson on the call. There could be like 17:30 left in the first half of the 1 vs. 16 seed matchup and I’m on the edge of my seat because Gus is so riled up. I’d probably cum from fingering a chick if he ever said anything remotely as excited as BATISTA WITH THE CAAAATCH of STOKELY DOWN THE SIDELINE. Rise and Fire, penis.
2. Clyde Frazier/Marv Albert
Dicking and licking! Thumbing and cumming! If I could have Clyde Frazier announce me losing my virginity and have him say “the precocious neophyte really percolating now” I could die a happy man. Have him refer to her pussy as a “feline.” All the while Marv Albert is throwing in his patented “YES!” while I bite her back. The perfect duo.
1. Vin Scully
I don’t even think I’d want Vin to do play by play for me. I think I’d just want him to re-do the bottom of the 10th inning of Game 6 of the 86 series. That would be the pinnacle of my being. The 2 things I love most in this world coming together at once. If I could ejaculate while Ray Knight touches home plate I might die on the spot. Plain and simple Vin Scully is the best talking human of all time. Even he could make my sex sound like a momentous occassion.
And my real life #1 – Boom Goes The Dynamite Kid
One of the commenters pointed out this oversight and I had to add it. If we’re being honest, the most accurate portrayal of sex with me would be Boom Goes The Dynamite. Stuttering stammering, stop and go. Awkwardness, nervousness. Plain vanilla description. Just completely dejected body language and disappointment. Awkward silences. Eventually just giving up and having one enjoyable moment – Boom Goes The Dynamite.
Al Michaels – In the rare event I make a girl climax, “Do you believe in miracles!” needs to be said.
Jon Gruden – I’d have more confidence in the sack than fucking Peter North if Jon Gruden was calling my sex. “Now when you take a look at a guy like KFC, I mean this guy, he just knows how to fuck. Just a professional. girl. fucker. Guy can fuck girls with the best of them.”
Howard Cosell’s “Down goes Frazier!” – Imagine some chick with the last name Frazier decides to suck your dick?
Randy Moller, crazy ass Florida Panthers dude:
KFC BLINDED HER WITH SCIENCE!
Ray Hudson, this crazy ass soccer dude: