Duck sauce? Fucking duck sauce? Thats just the yellow bag of goo you throw out after you grab the soy sauce packet from the Chinese delivery bag. Outrageous claim. So lets dig in here.
First thing’s first, I’m gonna define what I call to be a condiment, because its a grey area. I’m gonna say anything that enhances the flavor of the food you’re eating is a condiment. If its a dip of some sort that is the main thing you’re eating, its not a condiment because its the main focus. So, for example, bleu cheese is a dipping sauce put onto wings. Therefore, its a condiment. Salsa Con Queso is a dip that you eat using chips because you basically need something to chew while eating it. Therefore, not a condiment. Also, we’re just gonna say that cream cheese is not a condiment. Its just too different from other sauces and what not. It would trump pretty much everything and shoot to number 1 on the list.
10) Barbecue Sauce – If given the choice between barbecue sauce and sweet and sour sauce, you always choose barbecue. Especially at Wendy’s. A Wendy’s 5 piece without barbecue sauce is like a gun without bullets
9) Ginger Dressing from Japanese places – Personally, “in a vacuum,” these ginger dressings are my favorite thing in the fucking world. When I get Chinese food, I put it on everything. Salads, dumplings, sushi, whatever. Its delicious. I’d shower in it if I could. Problem is, its so specific to Chinese and Japanese food. You can’t really get it anywhere else that you’re eating. To rare to make the top of the list.
8 ) Sour Cream – An absolute must have if you’re eating Mexican. Tacos, quesadillas, burritos. All of them need sour cream.
7) Oil and Vinegar/Balsamic/Italian dressing – For the times when you want chicken cutlet sandwiches with mozzarella cheese and hot peppers and shit, and obviously don’t want to combined all that with mayonnaise. More of a dressing than a condiment, but a perfect compliment on italian subs and chicken cutlet heros when other sandwich spreads don’t mix well
6) Chipotle Ranch – This is pretty much strictly a bar thing, but I spend a lot of my time eating bar food so I put it in the 6 hole. Just straight up a delicious blend of spicy and tangy. Amazing on chicken fingers, frickles, sandwiches. A rare but fucking delectable condiment.
5) Hot sauce – The most versatile and powerful of all condiments. Can overpower the flavor of virtually anything its placed on – which helps in college or when you’re traveling and the food sucks. It can range from scrambled eggs to pizza to soul food. Provides the kick and spice thats missing from a lot of foods.
4) Mayo – The quintessential sandwich condiment. Ham, turkey, bolgna – they all belong with mayonnaise. Pretty much every single deli sandwich cheese, except mozzarella, belongs with mayonnaise. Bring out the Hellman’s and bring out the motherfucking best. The best sandwich condiment, period.
3) Ketchup – Probably the first thing that comes to everyone’s head when you say “condiment” is ketchup. It was like the originator, right after salt and pepper. Hamburgers, french fries, hot dogs. Eggs, breakfast sandwiches, grilled cheese. Meatloaf, hashbrowns. Out of the respect for ketchup’s career alone, you need to make it top 3.
2) Brown Mustard – Controversial decision to put brown mustard over ketchup. Especially right after waxing poetic about ketchups dominance. The thing is though, I’m a big hot dog guy. And I’m a firm believer that ketchup on a hot dog is disgusting. Its disgusting, its irresponsible. Its borderline Communist. So if you take away my mustard, you basically take away my hot dogs. You take away my freedom. Just for the sheer “can’t live without it” aspect, mustard over ketchup
1) Bleu Cheese – The champ is here! The GOAT. Bleu Cheese and buffalo wings – the greatest combo of all time. Shits on PB&J. Its the Jordan and Pippen of food combos. The creamy cool feeling it provides when eating spicy buffalo is the best condiment achievement ever. Without Bleu Cheese, buffalo wings lose some of its appeal. THATS the reason its number 1. It affects the deliciousness of wings. And I don’t wanna live in a world where wings aren’t as delicious as they possibly can. And dont even MENTION ranch. Ranch dressing is for chicks and gays, end of story.
Honorable Mentions – McDonalds Secret Sauce, Bearnaise sauce, the fictional Franch Dressing from Breaking Bad