We got bikes and bridges and shit!

Thought Catalog -

1. We’re masochists. We doll ourselves up every night for a city that’s just going to end up giving us a black eye anyway. It’s our glamorous version of a bad boyfriend.

2. We weren’t content living our life somewhere else. We saw what it would’ve been like if we stayed put and we got scared, real scared. (If you grew up in NYC, you probably still live here because the city has made you unfit for anywhere else. It’s as if New York peed all over you when you were born and marked its territory. The little bitch!)

3. We heard that New York is the one place you don’t ever have to grow up. 80-year-olds walk the street at 2 a.m. looking for a coffee shop, parents still go out and maintain some semblance of a life. The people who live here operate on the pleasure principle. They do what feels good and are wary of having to deal with any sort of compromise.

4. Because, as much as it pains to admit, some of us watched Sex and the City and became obsessed with the Hollywood version of the city. How else do you explain the current residents of Murray Hill?

5. We’re impatient brats who want the best food in the world delivered to us at 4 a.m. and we don’t want to have to walk too far to get our morning coffee or anything else for that matter. GIVE ME WHAT I WANT AND GIVE IT TO ME NOW. 

6. People are under the assumption that moving to New York will make them more interesting and give them the life experience necessary to be… I don’t know… the kind of individual everyone is jealous of?

7. We suffer from Fear Of Missing Out and by moving to New York, we’ve been able to force ourselves into being a part of the conversation. Now if we miss something fun, we have no one to blame but ourselves.

8. We have aspirations of being the best in our field. We are hungry, hungry tigers with a serious work ethic. You don’t move to New York to do Nothing. It’s just too fucking expensive. Laying in bed for an entire day costs you like 60 dollars.

9. We are a bunch of anxious malcontents who are prone to bouts of loneliness and we figured that we could wrap this city around us like a body pillow. We assumed that we could find people who are just like us, people who are desperate to make a human connection at 3 a.m. and then shake it off of them as soon as the sun came up.

10. We want to see faces that tell stories. We want to see passion on the streets, people screaming and crying, and pretend we’re annoyed by the noise but secretly love it, secretly feel like we’ve just been given a shot of adrenaline.

11. We want to make the most of our youth. Treat it like it’s an orange and we’re sucking the pulp dry. Sticky fingers, messy hands, but damn it tasted good.

12. We’re feelings junkies. When we walk out of our door in the morning, we want our brain to be assaulted by a myriad of things. We’re not ready to feel balanced and healthy yet. Burning the candle at both ends still fills us with an intoxicating combo of joy and dread. We are like a strange mix of resilience and ultimate fragility.

13. We don’t want anyone to give us weird looks when we’re not married with kids at the age of 35.

14. We are the type of people whose anxieties propel us forward. Anxiety is what forced us to move here, anxiety is what landed us our great job. We’re always moving closer and closer to where we want to be, even if it doesn’t always feel that way.

15. We are the most sensitive assholes. Ever. It’s annoying.

Buckle up bitches! Its been a while since someone has churned out a stupid New York City list. I’m pretty sure every single time its this guy Ryan O’Connell on Thought Catalog. He’s done at least 3 or 4. He might be my arch nemesis at this point. I don’t think I’ve ever encountered someone who could be more my polar opposite. Fuck you Ryan O’Connell!

Lets get something out of the way. There are 4 real reasons why normal humans live in New York City:

1) They’re born there

2) They get a job there

3) They are dumb chicks who think that Sex and the City is real

4) They are brain dead people who read a list like this and think its real life.

If you fall into categories 3 and 4,  just ring your call button, and Tommy will come back there and hit you over the head with a tack hammer because you are a retard. I was born in the Bronx and my family lives in Westchester, thats why I live in Manhattan. If I was born in Massachusetts, I’d live in Boston. If I was born in the burbs of Chicago, I’d move into Chicago. There basically comes a point where you need to move to an urban area where A) the jobs are B) the young people are and C) its easy to get laid. Doesn’t matter if its New York or any other city – those are the reasons to move out on your own. Job, money, apartment, fuck. Those are the things the city, any city, offers more of. If you travel hundreds of miles to do this specifically in New York rather than whichever city is nearby you, you’re a clown. Lets pick out some of the best…

1) We’re masochists. We doll ourselves up every night for a city that’s just going to end up giving us a black eye anyway. It’s our glamorous version of a bad boyfriend. – You wanna talk about cities that give you a black eye? Lets talk about fucking New Orleans or Vegas or some European city where drugs and whores are allowed. Thats a fucking black eye. I wake up in New York with a hangover and an empty pizza box and just do it all again.

2) 2. We weren’t content living our life somewhere else. We saw what it would’ve been like if we stayed put and we got scared, real scared. (If you grew up in NYC, you probably still live here because the city has made you unfit for anywhere else. It’s as if New York peed all over you when you were born and marked its territory. The little bitch!) – Hey R. Kelly, what the fuck are you talking about! Getting pissed on and shit? Like I said you needed a job, some money and young people to fuck so you came here because the suburbs don’t supply that. Thats it. Enjoy that Golden Shower though. You’ll probably get one from a homeless man at some point!

3. We heard that New York is the one place you don’t ever have to grow up. 80-year-olds walk the street at 2 a.m. looking for a coffee shop, parents still go out and maintain some semblance of a life. – Grow up Peter Pan. Count Chocula. New York is the place where nobody ever ages because all the people who do age and do grow up get the fuck out because it sucks to live here unless you’re young and partying and getting laid.

4. Because, as much as it pains to admit, some of us watched Sex and the City and became obsessed with the Hollywood version of the city. How else do you explain the current residents of Murray Hill? - Hit the nail on the head for once, bro. Dumb broads who think Carrie Bradshaw is real life. Please note: this is not something to be proud of.

6. People are under the assumption that moving to New York will make them more interesting and give them the life experience necessary to be… I don’t know… the kind of individual everyone is jealous of? - Only people who write lists like this think that. Because I’ll tell you what – having stories and experiences about homeless bums and dirty subways and exorbitant rent – nobody is jealous of that.

9. We are a bunch of anxious malcontents who are prone to bouts of loneliness and we figured that we could wrap this city around us like a body pillow. We assumed that we could find people who are just like us, people who are desperate to make a human connection at 3 a.m. and then shake it off of them as soon as the sun came up. - This always happens with these lists. They start out on topic and by the end they are just rambling bits of nonsense. Like what the fuck is this guy even talking about here? Talking about lonely asshole people looking for friends. What does that have to do with moving?

10. We want to see faces that tell stories. We want to see passion on the streets, people screaming and crying, and pretend we’re annoyed by the noise but secretly love it, secretly feel like we’ve just been given a shot of adrenaline. - People screaming and crying in the streets? Are we talking about New York City or fucking Egypt and India under protest dude? If you secretly love people crying in the streets you got issues man. Go live in Syria. Those weekly car bombs will have your adrenaline flowing! Dick.

13. We don’t want anyone to give us weird looks when we’re not married with kids at the age of 35. – Translation: Gay guys can live here forever and ever like its Neverland

12 through 15 - We’re feelings junkies. We are the type of people whose anxieties propel us forward. We want to make the most of our youth. We are the most sensitive assholes. Ever. It’s annoying. – Again, these aren’t reasons to move to New York. These are just adjectives describing our spoiled, helpless generation. A reason to move to New York would be like “If you wanna be a singer we have Broadway shows.” Not just a random description of 20 and 30 year old dickheads who fucking suck.

This list would absolutely crush it as a Top 15 Reasons To Not Move To New York City – People Who Live Here Think These Next 15 Things Are Cool. At least that part about being an annoying sensitive asshole is spot on.