Screen Shot 2014-02-04 at 9.19.54 AM

I’d imagine this is exactly what Richie looks like when he’s shitting in someone’s mouth

So the Richie Incognito/Jonathan Martin texts were released. Over a thousand texts between the two guys. In my opinion, and I’m assuming the opinion of most people who read these texts, Jonathan Martin looks like a total dickhead right now. Richie Incognito is no doubt a meathead and at times it definitely sounds like Martin is uncomfortable talking to him, but for the most part these guys sound completely like friends. The very end of the text message exchange is Incognito showing serious concern for him and he seems to be completely blindsided by the lawsuit. Despite sounds like a full blown idiot the whole time I think this vindicates Richie Incognito 100%.

But anyway fuck all that serious talk. These are the top 15 Incognito Texts dropping truths about life. Everything from banging hookers to…well no thats really it. Dude just talks about banging hookers a lot. Sprinkle in some hot dog talk but thats really it.

Read the full transcript of texts from The Big Lead

1.

Screen Shot 2014-02-04 at 8.07.57 AM

Say what you want about the moral implications of paying for sex, but there’s no denying the facts that Incognito just dropped about hookers. The wheels are 100% spinning in my head, Richie. High end prostitutes is probably the cleanest pussy out there.

2.

Screen Shot 2014-02-04 at 8.06.56 AM

Tell me this isn’t a Big Brother/Little Brother exchange. Doing absolutely nothing but looking out for his buddy. He Jon – just a quick heads up, bitches don’t love AIDS. Don’t look like an AIDS patient.

3.

Screen Shot 2014-02-04 at 8.09.17 AM

You know Richie thought he knocked this one out of the park.

4.

Screen Shot 2014-02-04 at 8.06.11 AM

 

There are 2 things that become abundantly clear when reading these texts – 1) there was no bullying going on. 2) the theory that Incognito and Martin are gay is a very, very valid theory. But not in the sense that we all first thought. I used to think they were flat out dating and this was like a scorned lover situation. These two sound so gay and they don’t even know it. Like this text right here sounds like Steve Carrell talking about bags of sand. Like a guy just trying so hard to compensate for these weird feelings he has deep down. In his head its like “I don’t know why but I don’t really like pussy. But I should like it, so, puss swinging from my nuts!” More weird gay texts to follow.

5.

Screen Shot 2014-02-04 at 8.09.31 AM

GUARANTEE some uptight anti bullying groups cite this as racism and threats of violence. I send texts like this to my black friend ALL THE TIME. Granted I am racist but the violence part is obviously a joke. Also, its not racist if its true.

6.

Screen Shot 2014-02-04 at 8.14.56 AM

Incognito and Martin were just like one giant, fat black and white cookie. Sure they were different and they clashed but they were attached at the hip and always together.

7.

Screen Shot 2014-02-04 at 8.09.53 AM

Talking about chafed wieners is as gay as it gets

8.

Screen Shot 2014-02-04 at 8.10.18 AM

“The blow job on my penis was not good but cumming all over the girl like a straight guy was awesome! #StraightTexts #ImStraight #IThink?” “Yea man! High five! I’m Straight too! Wanna fuck? I mean do you wanna fuck her again?” These guys are so gay and don’t even know it.

9.

Screen Shot 2014-02-04 at 8.12.17 AM

Hmm. Maybe they do know it?

10.

Screen Shot 2014-02-04 at 8.13.49 AM

Name another friend who offers to kill a girl you accidentally got pregnant? You can’t. Thats World’s Best Friend territory right there. Also a lot harder to carry on your budding secret relationship if he’s got a child with a woman.

11.

Screen Shot 2014-02-04 at 8.14.36 AM

You know how when you grab a woman’s breast… it feels like… a bag of sand.

12.

Screen Shot 2014-02-04 at 9.27.59 AM

 

Short and to the point.

Ok lets get to the top 3. The 3 best Incognito texts to Jonathan Martin are as follows:

3.

Screen Shot 2014-02-04 at 8.17.15 AM

 

Perhaps the most Richie Incognito text of all time. Can you imagine this 330 pound meatstick wandering the streets of Miami blacked out buying dirty water dogs? Just in between hooker sessions inhaling hot dogs with absolutely nobody behind the wheel. So Incognito.

2.

Screen Shot 2014-02-04 at 8.11.02 AM

 

If you had to sum up Richie Incognito in 4 texts, this string right here would do it. Maybe could use some more undercover gay stuff, but other than that its got everything. Racism jokes? Check. Political jokes? Check. Some sort of pooping symbolism? Check. Offensive sexual slur? Check. And then the coup de gras – the icing on the cake – the cherry on top – a dig at your squirting sister. I mean is that Richie Incognito’s texts or Bill Shakespeare? The imagery churned up in just 20 short words is nothing short of poetry.

1..

Screen Shot 2014-02-04 at 8.17.32 AM

Bang their mouths. Perfect. My new favorite phrase. Best phrase I’ve heard since Jordan’s “Honest Coin Money.” Straight, gay or otherwise, you know Incognito just loves banging mouths.

There’s hundreds and hundreds more but if you need the Cliffs Notes on Richie Incognito, this is it. Fucking hookers, busting balls, and eating hot dogs, thats what Richie Incognito does. Absolutely nowhere is there any sign of bullying. Unless friends busting balls is going to be considered “bullying,” in which case the whole anti-bullying movement is a total joke. Bottom line is every normal dude in America’s texts look like this. If you released my text log to the world I’d look like a giant piece of shit too. I’d probably be disowned by my family. Might lose my job. Thats how guys talk with friends. Nothing more nothing less.

PS – this is the final exchange where it really sounds like Incognito is concerned and completely unaware of any of the bullying shit:

Screen Shot 2014-02-04 at 8.19.27 AM Screen Shot 2014-02-04 at 8.19.37 AM Screen Shot 2014-02-04 at 8.19.49 AM Screen Shot 2014-02-04 at 8.19.59 AM Screen Shot 2014-02-04 at 8.20.10 AM