Whats funny is this is how commenters view me, and how I view the commenters…maybe we’re not all that different…
#1. “How could you not…” – Virtually every commenter says this to every blogger when they think there was a blog topic they missed or better angle or a better reference they didn’t write. The other day I got someone emailing me saying “How could you not have blogged about Cory Booker’s twitter account?” I wrote back who the fuck is Cory Booker? “He’s the mayor of Newark.” How could I not have blogged about the mayor of Newark’s twitter account? How about because thats a horrible fucking idea and nobody wants to read about? Thats “how.” Another one of my favorites is “How could you not reference the XYZ Seinfeld episode?” Literally every single blog ever written on the Internet probably has a Seinfeld quote that pertains to it. I didn’t miss the overwhelmingly obvious similarity to one of the most popular shows that the world has ever seen. I just didn’t think a blog saying “this is like the episode when Jerry dumps his girlfriend for a quirky peculiar reason!” was that good of a blog.
#2. “Do some research” – This was a commenter quote from a blog last week about Justin Bieber breaking up with Selena Gomez and being linked to a Victoria’s Secret model: “zero chance Bieber is banging this chick…ZERO…only time he even gets close to chicks is if it’s something his publicist sets up…do some research, something tells me this Barbara Palvin is looking to become an actress and being “spotted” with Bieber is a way to get her name out there.” Ah fuck man sorry! I definitely should have researched the previous situations in which Justin Bieber appeared in public with women. Definitely should have done my research on the intentions of Babara Palvin and investigate her career path to see if it makes sense to set up an elaborate PR scheme. I’ll have to get Bieber’s people and Victoria’s Secret on the line for an exclusive interview to see whats really going on here.
What are you guys out of your fucking minds? You know I’m just a normal ass dude sitting on the computer making jokes about shit he sees on the internet right? I don’t care about breaking stories or the inner workings of Hollywood celebs. Just gonna keep cracking jokes about broads and farts and shit without doing ANY research. I know, throwing caution to the wind on that one. The Pulitzer committee may look down on me for that one.
#3 – Do you ever proofread? – No motherfuckers. No. I don’t proofread. This should be abundantly clear by now. If the red squiggle line doesn’t catch it, its going to be published. Sometimes I go back and change a sentence or add something or delete something and forget to clean it all up and you’re gonna have to use 1% of your brain capacity to decipher what I meant. I ain’t writing a thesis to submit for review for my PhD. If your gonna be two upset that I didn’t right the blog grammatically correct, than you probably shouldn’t reed Barstool anymore. I especially love when they say something like “I’m sure advertisers love that effort.” Yea, I’m sure advertisers are worried about my grammar and credibility as a journalist. Thats what they’re paying for. Dickheads.
#4 – Reddit had it first – Yea no fucking kidding Reddit had it first. Thats like saying “the internet had it first.” Short of being the dude who actually filmed the video, there is no chance Barstool will ever have anything before Reddit. You know why? Because we’re just like 7 or 8 normal dudes who find weird shit already on the internet and give you funny commentary on the news. If Barstool Sports was a forum designed to break news and find videos and stories first, then I’d care about Reddit. We’re the dudes who find news stories on the web and bring you the funniest commentary every 30-40 minutes. Not too mention on top of making sure we bring you every viral video and popular story we provide original content on top of it. Podcasts, MFK voting, smokeshows, the list goes on. We’re the best conglomerate of the funniest stories, videos, pictures and original content on the internet. Period.
#5 – Anything any commenters say on any sports blogs – There is absolutely no winning when it comes to blogging about sports on Barstool. First thing’s first, when we blog about celebrities all commenters say is “I thought this was a sports site!” If we blog about sports all they say is “Stick to smut, nobody comes here to read about sports!” Idiots. Secondly, I don’t think people realize that aside from Jerry, nobody is really a sports writer. I don’t consider myself a blogger about the Mets and Jets, I consider myself a blog about Mets and Jets fans. I’m never gonna be writing about defensive schemes and the inner workings of the Jets offensive attack. Not gonna talk about whether the infield should have been in or at double play depth. I’m there to blog about what I think about the team in a general sense as a fan. Like the Knicks blog this morning – if I had said the Knicks are the best team in the NBA because they started 5-0 I’d get crushed as an unrealistic homer. I write that I think they need to prove themselves during a West Coast road trip and all the sudden I know nothing about sports and I don’t support my teams. If I blindly support a player or team no matter what, I’m a hack. If I admit that player or team has short comings or isn’t performing, I’m a flip flop. Teams have up and downs, things change. Opinions of a fan base change. Again, just a dude drinking a beer watching the game – sometimes I’m gonna be happy, sometimes I’m not. Not like I expect to have a vote for the Hall of Fame or MVP. Except for Mike Trout. Because I’m right.
So, there it is. The 5 things you assholes say that drive me absolutely insane. I’m sure I opened up Pandora’s Box and I’ll see nothing but these 5 phrases on my blogs for the rest of eternity. But just remember – I am the puppet master and you are my puppets. I make you dance. I’m just a talented successful internet commenter that gets paid for it while you hang on my every word. Suckers.