Fox News - Sadly, marriage has become a punchline in today’s society. From referring to the wife as “the old ball and chain” to nearly every poorly written sitcom that we watch, the message we’re sending to today’s generation is clear… Marriage = no fun. Let’s assume for a second that you don’t think of humans as inherently spiritual beings. So let’s remove the fact that married people claim to be happier, more fulfilled, complete and purposeful. Some of you are even thinking, “Love? Who needs love!” Okay. Here are a few purely statistical reasons as to why marriage (when done correctly) is conducive to an undeniably better life. Hold onto your butts.

1. You’ll be richer – Yes. Not only do married couples make more, save more, have a higher net worth and qualify for more benefits/financial incentives than lonely, single folk… but your kids will be richer too. Which brings me to my next point

2. Would somebody please think of the children!! – The single biggest indicator of child poverty is whether both original parents are still together. Not only that, but children in married households get better grades, are less disruptive in class and less likely to develop behavioral disorders than children from non-married households. So be married long and prosper. Your kids will too.

3. You’ll have more sex… A LOT MORE SEX – Okay so you may not want kids. You may despise them. I get it. Sticky hands. Let’s say you’re just another selfish, narcissistic bachelor (or bachelorette) who quite frankly, isn’t deserving of the unconditional love you may oh-so-luckily find. You just want the sex. Statistically, not only do married people have more sex, they have better, more satisfying sex. If the two of you should hold off on sex until marriage, those statistics become even more promising. Here’s a perfect example of where Hollywood gets it wrong. In the real world, while Alfie fruitlessly toiled away at picking up harlots from the bar, suffering a mean case of whiskey-wiener, Mr. Cleaver was getting busy on the regular. Them’s the real breaks.

4. You won’t be such a pathetic sloth – Married people are more productive. Married men in particular, have higher employment rates, work longer hours and receive better wages. It’s time to stop wading through puddles of your own filth as you reach for the hotpockets and have a dame whip you into shape. You’re welcome.

5. Don’t die sick, miserable and alone. This would seem to be self-explanatory. Sadly, it’s not. Young people think that being young and single is the “fun and free” time of your life, while marriage is something that can wait for the days when you’re ready to grow fat, boring and settle down. Married people not only live longer lives, they live healthier lives. There are too many factors at play here to even list. From married people statistically maintaining healthier weights, being more active and having lower mortality rates, to married women incurring less severe illnesses, enjoying better cancer survival rates and of course… lower rates of domestic abuse (as opposed to those merely cohabitating). Yes ladies, it’s true, living with an uncommitted, self-absorbed jackass can be hazardous to your health.

I’m not one of these hardos who’s gonna claim getting married is gay. I’ve moved in with my girlfriend. I’ll get married. Mainly because its just a standard of society and people think you’re a little weird if you don’t. But there are some undeniable facts about marriage that absolutely suck. Some things that just are not ideal and really not enjoyable. And whats absolutely baffling about this guy’s top 5 is that he basically picked like the main things that do, in fact, suck, in order to prove marriage is awesome. Just because you say “I’m married, take it from me” doesn’t mean theres not 2 billion other married men out there that completely disagree with you. Lets go step by step…

1. 1. You’ll be richer - Well right off the bat your list is pretty much ruined. Why even bother to read 2 through 5 when your first point about why marriage is good is so horrendously wrong? Yes, when you live alone, you have one (1) person’s salary. When you get married, you are now working with two (2) salaries. Maybe, if you’re lucky and she doesn’t wanna just pop out kids and “retire.” But lets assume you’ve now doubled your money as a couple. Who fucking cares how much money you got when you can’t spend it on shit you want? When you’re single you’re buying whatever you want. Games and tickets and toys and drugs and women and all sorts of shit that brings you happiness. Here’s what I was shopping for back in November 2011.

I was thinking about buy air hockey and pop a shot from a ESPN Zone auction. Now I live with my girlfriend and we split all the bills and there’s twice as much money and guess what I’m fucking buying? These things:

Vases filled with potpourri and some fucking lantern. Woo, Home Goods! I pick up the bill on our double date, but don’t worry we’ve got double the income so she picked up the Fresh Direct groceries! Guys would rather have half the money and spend it on lap dances than double the money to spend on kids and shit their wives like. Thats exactly why dudes are OK with getting divorced.

2. Would somebody please think of the children!! – This is probably the only real reason most people get married. They want to have a family because they came from a family and don’t wanna be the old dude who’s creepily still trying to bang young chicks when everyone else their age is settled down. Again, its just pressure to be normal that leads to all this shit. But more importantly if your #2 reason on your list of reasons to get married is “to have kids who take all the fun out of your life and cost legitimately millions of dollars to raise,” you’re not doing a great job pal.

3. You’ll have more sex… A LOT MORE SEX – Probably the most inaccurate statement of all time. I could see 99% of married men legitimately attacking this man for claiming you get laid more often when you’re married. First of all its just science that sex fades as time goes on. Thats not anyone’s fault. Thats just life. You’ve fucked the same person in the same positions in the same routine for years on end, you’re just not as excited to do it anymore so it happens less frequently. But more importantly this is THE single biggest cop out a guy in a relationship can ever use against single dudes. Believe me, I know. I was always the guy who had a girlfriend trying to play this card. Like the fact that I have monogamous sex with one girl more frequently while you fuck tons of random girls makes my sex life better than yours. Yea fucking right. If you’re trying to pretend like sober sex with the same girl 4 times a week is better than bringing home a blonde slut Friday night and a brunette chick Saturday night, you’re flat out lying to yourself. “More sex” is not about the number of times you bang the same chick – its about the number of chicks you can bang at the same time. BAM dropping knowledge in your fucking faces!

4. You won’t be such a pathetic sloth – You say “pathetic sloth,” I say “perfectly content.” Married men work longer hours and go to the gym and eat healthy and have productive lives. Uhh, I fucking hate all that shit. Hate work, hate exercise, hate eating healthy and I hate “doing shit.” Like are you really trying to tell me because my wife makes me get off the couch and go run errands or do handy work around the house or finish my chores or go grocery shopping, I’m gonna be a happier person? For sure NOT. On Saturdays I wanna watch sports, TV, napsturbate, eat unhealthy and, if all goes well, miss sunlight all together. And then at night if I don’t have any good plans, I have no problem continuing to do all that until tomorrow morning. Having a wife who forces you to do shit is not “living a productive life.” Its a life of doing things you don’t like.

5. Don’t die sick, miserable and alone. – Die divorced, sick, miserable and alone! Listen I’d love to believe that every marriage ends up lasting 65 years and everyone is happy until their dying breath. You hear those stories about an old married couple lying side by side and one passes away and just minutes later the husband or wife passes on because they just couldn’t live together. Beautiful story that probably happens once every 300 million marriages. You never hear about the 95 year old who murders his 93 year old wife because he just couldn’t wait any longer for her to die. Chances are better we’ll be lying side by side in bed and my wife will smother me with a pillow because she finally realized she hates my guts.

Basically there are like 2 main reasons guys get married: 1) Peer Pressure – You don’t wanna be the old weirdo who’s balding and fat and missed the boat while all your other friends got married and had families. 2) Path of least resistance – You’ve been dating the same girl for a really long time and through the Power of the Pussy she has learned how to manipulate you and you’re kind of afraid of her so you just get married to keep her happy and quiet.

End of reasons. Just like a Nicholas Sparks book.