I’m so sick of hearing everyone whining about how they can’t wait for New Years to be over, and its overrated, and wah, wah, wah. Its a holiday based around getting wasted, right up my alley. I might even just hibernate with my hangover from Jan. 2 until March 17. Nonetheless, here are the top 5 reasons New Years sucks, and why they’re wrong

1. Expectations- Learn to manage expectations, you infant. Ever heard of this thing called sex? Supposed to be the greatest thing ever. Thats weird, because I usually last 17 seconds and wake up too sore to move. I don’t hate it though. I just remind myself going in, “Yo, you have the sexual competency of a newt and the physical fitness of an obese five year old, don’t forget!” and it always works out great. Don’t go into tomorrow night thinking “It’s gonna be the best night EVER!!!” and you’ll have a good, letdown-free time.

2. Too Fancy- This one doesn’t make my blood boil as much. I’ll admit, sometimes I can see where people are coming from. Like why the fuck do you need a limo? Limo’s are for the birds. Oh, and Italians. But I don’t hate dressing up somewhat fancy. Listen, 364 days a year there is a 50/50 chance I put pants on. If I get to get weird one night while feeling like an actual adult, I’ll take it.

3. Kiss is Cliche- You better be fist-fucking me if you believe this one. Most of you walking hard-ons spend an entire night trying to get a girls number. This cultural phenomenon allows you to mouth rape a girl as soon as the ball drops. But stay on your toes, Snooki is in the ball this year. Good chance it drops a few seconds faster than expected.

4. Too Expensive- You live in New York, and you’re complaining about expenses? I got that shit out of my system within 12 hours of moving here then just learned to accept it. I still go home and I’m shocked that a medium coffee doesn’t cost 13 dollars and a sperm deposit, but I don’t complain while I’m here. Just buy your ticket, treat that open bar like a little whore, and get your moneys worth. Hell, puke all over the bathroom a time or two and make them clean it up. Ya know, really make it a party.

5. Resolutions are Dumb- Remember number 1, that whole manage expectations thing? Similar deal here. I don’t make stupid resolutions. I don’t say, “OK Johnny boy, this is your year! This year we are gonna cure cancer! Impregnate Olivia Wilde! And definitely get that growth on your ass looked at!” No. I know who I am. I say, “Hey, in the next 365 days or so, lets try and get the thing looked at.” Bingo-bango, expectations managed. But if even one fat person takes resolutions to heart and drops some lbs., then resolutions have done their job. Because when you walk by me, grunting up a storm and smelling like a yetti that just got gangbanged by a retirement home, you make me physically ill.

Happy New Year. Gonna be the best one EVER!!!