Ah Valentines Day. The fakest day of the year. A day when men scramble and spend too much money on gifts that last no more than 24 hours. A day when single girls say they don’t need a boyfriend but on the inside they are crumbling because a girl without a boyfriend is the most insecure thing on the planet. The only real winners are chicks with boyfriends. The rest of us suffer.

Now obviously there all sorts of generic stereotypical gifts that get exchanged on Valentines Day. But heres what everyone really wants:

Chicks:

3. Anything they can instagram – Doesn’t matter what it is. Chocolates, flowers, jewelry, whatever. Anything she can update her social media with saying “My boyfriend is the best!” You could tell her you’re taking her on a $10,000 vacation for two, but if you don’t give her something tangible that she can mupload to facebook, its basically worthless. Its all about the social media proof.

2. Orgasm – Hey, lets call a spade a spade, these are hard to come by if you’re a chick. Girls, you can buy your own teddy bears and chocolates. But lets be honest – the Big O is a can’t miss gift. In an entire year, you probably get fewer orgasms than anything else in your life. Now you can’t instagram that (unless you’re real kinky) but if we’re gonna give out temporary gifts like flowers we might as well give a temporary gift you’ll really enjoy.

1. Anything at all, as long as its better than what her girlfriends got - Valentine’s day is 100% about showing off that you’re not a single girl anymore. That you’ve got a man and he loves you and cares for you and all that hoopla. Chicks want to rub it in single girls’ faces. They want to show up their ex. And most importantly, they want to “have the best boyfriend!” (Refer to #3) So if her girlfriend got a dozen roses, you better get her 2 dozen. Her girlfriend gets a 1 karat diamond you get her 2. The girlfriend gets a huge teddy bear you get your girlfriend a real life breathing living bear cub. Whatever it takes to make sure she wins the “luckiest girlfriend” award.

Dudes:

Listen I could make a list of 3 or 5 things guys want. Blowjobs! Lingerie! A Hall Pass! Yada yada yada. Everyone knows this day is not for men. Doesn’t matter what you want, you’re not gonna get it. No girlfriend is coming home from work with Call of Duty or something for her man. We get fucked. So I’ve narrowed it down to 1 thing that every man in the world wants for Valentines Day:

1. A Girlfriend who says “we don’t need to exchange gifts, don’t get me anything” and fucking means it: Bingo bango bongo, end of discussion. The oldest trick/trap in the book. If you fall for this, you are a doofus. Even if you genuinely think you girlfriend means it, which she doesn’t, its still just not worth the risk. Just get something to make sure you’re covered. Because like I said above, when one of her girlfriends who agreed to not exchange gifts with her boyfriend ends up getting flowers delivered to the office, you’re fucked. She may have really meant it on February 13th, but on February 14th when she went on Facebook and instagram, she’s feeling completely left out. Might as well be one of those single girls with leprosy on Valentines Day. Either A) she really doesn’t expect something and its a chance for you to surprise her and maybe work out one of those fake Valentines Blow Jobs or B) She’s obviously expecting something and you covered your bases. Give a guy a girl who really genuinely doesn’t give a fuck about Valentines Day and thats the best Valentines Day gift of all.