Video Game Bosses. Not even sure why they are called bosses. But what I do know is that from ages like 8 through 18 the most difficult thing in my life was trying to defeat them. The three hardest things in life as an adolescent was trying to get your first hand job, trying to get some beer, and trying to beat video game bosses.

I began tweeting about who the best bosses were two days ago and this blog kinda took on a whole different form. A) there’s too many bad guys to write one blog without assholes being like “How could you forget ____!” and B) Theres so many other bad guys that weren’t technically “bosses.” So this blog is just a list of classic video game villains that fucking drove you nuts. Full Disclaimer: When it comes to video games I am a full blown hipster and stick to classics. If you’re looking for new age bosses in the Final Fantasy MLXVII: Black Ops Edition you ain’t gonna get them. Click after the jump to see KFC’s video game villains.

The Rabbit and the Penguin in Mario 64

FUCK these two assholes. That big ass penguin was the biggest fucking jerk off ever. If you weren’t racing her fat ass down the slide, you were walking to the edge of the earth to collect her baby penguins that had ran away. Hey bitch watch your own children! And that rabbit. You know how many times I had that rabbit cornered and dove head first straight into the wall and Mario went “OOF?” Both of these dicks were day ruiners.

Contra Wall

This Wall will forever be burned into my memory. Its not that difficult. But Contra is such a classic and I always have this memory of laying on my stomach shooting the Spread gun until this thing blew up and let you jump inside and go to the second level where you faced forward instead of the side 2D view.

The Ducks and the dog in Duck Hunt

Yea keep laughing it up, pooch. See what happens when I press the Zapper right up against the glass of the TV and straight up massacre that whole flock of ducks.

These big motherfuckers from Double Dragon

What the fuck were these things?

Inanimate villains - Upside down question mark – Mario Kart 64. Oil Slick – RC Pro/Am. Overheating in Excite Bike

A perfectly placed upside down question mark with all the other item boxes was killer. Think you’re getting a Lightning Bolt or something and BAM, upside down question mark fucks you right in the ass. The oil slick in RC Pro Am was just unnecessary. It was pretty fucking hard to maneuver those RC cars to begin with. And don’t get me started on overheating in Excite Bike. So goddam frustrating. I think that temperature gauge in Excite Bike was a precursor to learning how to last while having sex. You can’t come out of the gates to hard or else you blow a gasket and lose the race.

Scottie Pippen and Horace Grant in NBA Jam

Not exactly what you think of when it comes to “villains” or “bosses” but Horace and Scottie were damn near impossible to beat. Had to be up by 4 because they always hit a full court shot at the buzzer

Alright lets get down to business now. Classic Video Game Bosses. Top 6 here we go:

Jaws

You realize that in Jaws you’re just blasting this goddam shark with a torpedo gun relentlessly and it takes like 50 trips back and forth between each port for him to finally die? I mean I know its based on the movie and thats accurate but, Christ. Most stubborn boss of all time.

Dr. Wily

Mega Man 2 is probably my favorite video game of all time. And what you have to realize is that Dr. Wily is responsible for all of the robots Mega Man faces. So in my book he’s more like 10 villains in one. Not too mention that gigantic robotic dragon you have to fight at the end. The most diabolical and maniacal of all video game bosses.

M. Bison

I know Mortal Kombat diehards will argue that Goro or Shang Tsung should be here. They are incorrect. If you’re looking for the ultimate fighter game boss, M. Bison is the choice. M. Bison, Michael Bison, Mike Tyson, whatever the reasoning behind his name, he’s the bad ass dude in the cape that represents the culmination of running through every opponent in Street Fighter. Fuck Sagat and fuck Mortal Kombat. M. Bison is the true fighting game villain.

Ganon/Gannondorf

I’ll be perfectly honest I don’t know what Ganon is. Is he a human? Animal? Monster? I dont know. All I know is I’ve been playing Zelda since before I knew how to shit into a toilet. He’s been as much a part of my life as anything else in this world. And I probably spent a year of my life playing Ocarina of Time. So when I finally defeated him in that game it was probably the most satisfying thing I’ve ever done. An original. A classic. Legendary.

Mike Tyson/Mr. Dream

Mike Tyson’s Punch Out may be the greatest sports video game of all time. Its so incredibly funny and racist. Its the perfect level of difficulty too. Personally, I don’t know if I can honestly say I ever beat Mike Tyson or Mr. Dream. I very well may have, but I can’t 100% tell you with certainty I’ve ever done it. Beating either of those guys is one of the best achievements in video game history.

Bowser

The originator, none greater. The dragon-turtle hybrid who continually kidnaps Princess Peach and rapes her in his castle. Spitting fire and throwing hammers. Pure evil. The first super villain video game boss who was basically the blue print for everyone after him. Debuted in the original Mario and he’s been in every game since then. The best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be.

Honorable mention – Dr. Robotnik

I know there are gonna be some Sega diehards out there so I’m adding this. But you’re either a Nintendo/Mario guy or a Sega/Sonic guy and I’m the first. So Sonic was fun and all but I never really thought of Dr. Robotnik as that bad ass.

Goro

Same thing – you’re either a Street Fighter guy or a Mortal Kombat guy. I’m Street Fighter so I’m all about M. Bison. But Goro is the guy for your MKII fans.