YahooRemember the tale of the jilted Polish dentist who pulled all the pearly whites from the mouth of her ex-boyfriend? Turns out the story has no teeth. The report that dentist  Anna Mackowiak removed all her ex-boyfriend’s teeth after he came into her dental office complaining of a toothache turned out to be false. The popular story, which included quotes from both parties and ended with statements that Mackowiak was being investigated and that the man had already lost his new girlfriend because of his toothless look, was picked up by Yahoo! News, MSNBC and dozens of other major U.S. media outlets. Kudos to MSNBC contributor Erin Tennant  for chipping away at the story and getting to the truth of the matter.

Here’s what Tennant learned:

  • The Polish police agency in the region where the incident reportedly took place is not investigating any such case.
  • Poland’s Chamber of Physicians and Dentists is not investigating any case like the one reported. Nor, is a dentist named Anna Maćkowiak listed on its professional register.
  • News outlets in Poland did not report the story. Some, however, reported the foreign media’s coverage of what they called a “prank.”
  • The original story was traced back to Britain’s Daily Mail newspaper. The writer Simon Tomlinson,  says he does not know where the story originated, despite its bearing his byline. “I’ve drawn a bit of a blank,” he told MSNBC.
  • American Dental Association’s  national spokesperson, David Johnson Jr., said the story was highly improbable because most dentists are equipped to administer drugs only for conscious sedation dentistry. That would mean the man would’ve known all his teeth were being pulled as it was happening.

Only equipped to administer drugs for conscious sedation dentistry, the Polish police aren’t investigating, there’s no Anna Mackowiak registered professionally, BLAH BLAH BLAH. Shut the fuck up Erin Tennant. Why don’t you just go around telling little kids there is no Santa Claus? Maybe tell everyone on their death bed that the existence of a paradise afterlife is highly improbable and you’re about to die and rot in the ground for eternity? Just running around ruining everyone’s day with your “truth” and your “journalism.” Christ, you’re worst than the scientists trying to say that dinosaurs didn’t fart themselves into extinction.

All you investigative reporters looking for the truth can suck my dick. I choose to live ignorantly bliss. I want to live in a world where dinorsaurs dutch ovened the planet into an Ice Age. I want to live in a world where a dude would be so stupid he’d schedule a dentist appointment with his ex days after dumping her. I wanted to live in a world where a little boy climbed inside a weather balloon and flew across like 15 states. I want to live in a world where Jeff Goldblum is really dead. Just kidding I love that motherfucker, but every time that rumor pops up on the internet I’m gonna take it seriously. Because thats just the type of guy I am. I wanna believe. Like Peter fucking Pan. And I’m sure you assholes are all proud that you discovered the truth and set the record straight, but ask yourselves this – is the world a better place because you debunked one of the greatest news stories of all time?

No. No it is not.